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Pharmacist Pill Color Debate Goes Viral.

The color of the dress, that is clearly black and blue, take a strange and unusual turn Friday after a Walgreens pharmacist posted a picture of some Advil gel cap pills on his Facebook account asking, "Are these pills green or black?"  Thousands of pharmacists painfully debated the color for hours with both camps escalating the discussion to profound levels with ever more creative variations of cat pictures and  Michael Jackson eating his popcorn, resulting in a nationwide pharmacist shortage for hours.

At the height of the viral argument, thousands of pro-spanking, vaccine denying, and end-stage fibromyalgeurs hijacked the debate and concluded, without a doubt, that vaccinating unspanked children causes fibromyalgia.

The internet is a strange and wonderful place.  And now it's a public utility!  Congratulations.  You just wasted another minute of your live reading this!

What color are these pills?
What color are these pills?  


Troopers Nab Drug-Seeker Trying to Fill Script for '1 Pound of Mofine'.

Dallas, TX -  Texas State Troopers arrested 47-year-old Harold Stanker on Tuesday after Walmart pharmacists reported a man trying to fill a prescription for 1 pound of mofine written by an ER physician named The Doctor.

The suspect told officers he got the prescription during a recent visit to the hospital. "The doctor gave it to me after sum dude knocked me out while I was mindin' my own business," said Harold, an ER frequent-flier known for his almost daily pain complaints after altercations with sum dude.

Walmart pharmacists say they have received extensive training in prescription fraud, but admit it's getting harder and harder to separate the fake scripts from the real ones.

"It doesn't help that we actually have a self-humoring ER physician on file named The Doctor who frequently writes his scripts on napkins or other random paper products and signs them with a smiley face,"  said Walmart pharmacist Allen Bensen.

'1 pound of mofine' prescription tips off Walmart pharmacist
Allen admits it wasn't the chocolate stained napkin or even the misspelling of morphine that tipped him off.   "We're so used to the obnoxiously bad spelling and handwriting of doctors that we don't even pay attention to that stuff anymore.  Now we just take our best guess on the phonetic spelling of the script and go with it.  Besides, when we call physicians to clarify, we usually get a voice mail telling us to call the pharmacist for any prescription related issues," said Allen.

The Walmart pharmacist says he actually became concerned because of the unorthodox weight based dosing of the drug.  "If he had written the script for 2000 mofines, I probably would have filled it, no questions asked," said Allen.

When officers searched Harold, they also found prescriptions for 2000 oxycottons, a bag fulla hydacodas and a handful of fenergins.



Medicare Agrees to Pay For Reverse and Reverse-Reverse Transgender Surgery.

Medicare -  In 2014, The Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) lifted a three decade old law banning Medicare transgender reassignment surgery coverage for patients experiencing gender dysphoria, an intense discomfort or mismatch with biological sex and gender identity.

However, a lawsuit by the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) claimed the policy discriminated against gender reassignment surgery patients experiencing transgender dysphoria, an intense discomfort or mismatch with their reassignment sex and transgender identity described in in the most recent DSM-5 2.0 update.  Medicare officials agreed and decided last week to provide expanded coverage for reverse and reverse-reverse transgender reassignment surgery.

Transgender advocates hailed the new policy as a step in the right direction.  "We are happy with expanded coverage options, but we will continue to vigorously reject any limitations on surgical transgender interventions," said Silver Storm, head of the political action committee Right to a Transgender Medicare Life.

"I've got several diabetic friends from my bridge club who've had parts of the same leg removed over six times before finally getting the whole thing cut off.   As a transgender Medicare patient, it's discrimination to only pay for up to three sex change operations.  What if I need four or five or six?"  said Silver.

Medicare now provides expanded coverage for transgender dysphoria
A rash of transgender dysphoria cases last year helped convince Medicare officials of the need to expand coverage.  Quin Jensen, a 72-year-old transgender Medicare patient explains.

"Ever since I was a little boy, I've dreamed of living my life as a post-menopausal elderly woman. But after the surgery, I realized it wasn't what it was all cracked up to be.   After the surgeon gave me boobs that hung to the floor, I knew I had transgender dysphoria and wanted out of that body," said Quin.

In another case, 76-year-old Elm Tree realized she made a terrible mistake transforming into a male after finding out the average male in the United States only lived to 77 years old.  "After one of my friends told me women live five extra years, I told my surgeon to change me back, but it wasn't covered until last week.  Thank you Medicare for giving me another five years of life!"  said Elm.



The Joint Commission Cracking Down on Wrong Twin Surgery.

Oakbrook Terrace, IL -  The Joint Commission (TJC) announced new hospital safety mandates yesterday after 27 more cases of wrong twin surgery were reported this week alone.  American hospitals documented 1,492 cases of wrong twin surgeries last year, a 114% increase from just two years prior.

"After years of nitpicking, we almost ran out of stuff to investigate.  This twin thing is going to keep us busy for years," said Dr. Alan Fleming, President of TJC.

In one wrong twin surgery incident last week,  42-year-old Stan Wilson accidentally had his tonsils removed after the registrar failed to correctly enter Stan#2 into the hospital's computer system.

"I grew up in a time when you didn't question the doctors.  So, I got confused when they took my  Stan instead of  Stan#2 to surgery, but they're the doctors so I just figured they knew what they were doing," said the twin's mother Samantha.

The Joint Commission hopes to put an end to wrong twin surgeries.
Last week Jane and Jan Morrow took advantage of their similar names to get free breast enlargements.   Jan was whisked off to surgery after the registrar accidentally entered Jan instead of Jane.  Plastic surgeon James Cutsworth realized his error when Jane showed up for her post-operative appointment asking for something bigger.

"This is the fourth twin BOGO free boob job I've had to do in a year," said Dr. Cutsworth, who failed to catch the error despite following standard pre-surgery checklist requirements.  "The Joint Commission decided to ding us anyway for not having a wrong twin surgery protocol in place."

To help reduce the risk of wrong twin surgery, TJC now recommends both twins be present on the day of surgery so doctors can write "NO" on the wrong twin.  For identical triplets and other multiple gestations, TJC does not currently have policy mandates.  "But we're working hard to make this stuff up as we go," said Dr. Fleming.

"What if I told you The Joint Commission is cracking down on wrong twin surgery."

What if I told you The Joint Commission is cracking down on wrong twin surgery photo wrong twin surgery_zpspfrwqepm.jpg



24-Hour tPA Stroke Window Making Physician Lives So Much Better Now.

Dallas, TX - Twenty years of  physician suffering ended abruptly Monday after the American Stroke Association (ASA) announced a dramatically expanded 24-hour tPA stroke window protocol to better accommodate doctors' increasingly hectic schedules.

"Recent apologies by the American Board of Internal Medicine forced us to reevaluate our priorities as an organization.  We now understand just how disruptive our three hour tPA window has been on doctors' lives and for that we are deeply sorry,"  said ASA President Dr. Jan Fleming.

With the new 24-hour window, ASA officials are hoping to give doctors much greater flexibility in planning emergent tPA administration around their busy days.

"Now is the time to start putting physician satisfaction first or we're going to be left with a nation of doctors who only work at The VA Spa," said Dr. Fleming, the ASA's first private practice ASA President.

Some neurologists wasted no time taking advantage of the new doctor-friendly protocol.  "Last month I would have quit after the first nine [holes] of a stroke alert.  Now, I can get in 36 holes, watch Tiger, drink a couple beers and not have to worry about showing up late to the tPA window," said Dr Bazyli Baczewski, a neurologist who has never made it to a stroke alert before the 3-hour window.  Not ever.  Not even once.

Other neurologists have already started pushing for once-daily tPA rounds at their hospital in conjunction with a hospitalist run 24-hour hemiplegia observation unit.  "With the new 24-hour window, it doesn't make sense for me to interrupt my drug rep lunch, miss my kid's soccer game, or cancel my front row tickets to Taylor Swift for emergent tPA.  Homonymous hemianopsia can wait until the morning for whomever is on call at that time," said Neurologist Dr. Agnieszka Sobkowiak, the world famous homo hemi expert.

Unfortunately, not every community is lucky enough to have within-24-hours access to a tPA Neurologist.  Since 2003, tPA decisions for stroke patients in rural America  have generally been punted to the on-call physician assistant.  In critical access hospitals with only access to nurse practitioners, the American Academy of Physician Assistants (AAPA) recommends transferring tPA candidates to other critical access hospitals that employ physician assistants.  President of the AAPA Don Witmore explains.

24-hour tPA stroke window brings relief to doctors everywhere!
"The American Academy of Family Physicians (AAFP) and the American Association of Nurse Practitioners (AANP) got together a few years ago and decided since tPA has PA in it, we were the most natural fit to make the call."

But, with the growing army of  physician assistant assistants caring for rural America, having PAs make the call isn't the straightforward decision it used to be.  "We are teaming with pharmaceutical companies to develop tPAA so we can finally pass the torch and avoid getting stuck holding the bag," said Don.

With the 24-hour window now the standard of care,The American Academy of Emergency Medicine (AAEM) responded by officially punting tPA decisions out of the hands of ER doctors forever.  "Now that we've added tPA to our master list of drugs outside the ER scope of practice, we are proud our doctors only ever have to memorize six drugs to make it through their shift:  Phenergan, Dilaudid, Levaquin, Lasix, Lorazepam and Colace." said AAEM President Dr. Stan "Dilaudicet" Wilson.

Some ER physicians have already noticed a dramatic rise in their Press Ganey scores by allowing them more time to focus on patients threatening to call the CEO and less time on hemiplegic patients who can't even hold a pencil to fill out the survey anyway.

"Last week I had a mother complain about waiting for six minutes to have all seven kids seen for problems listening to her.   I quickly wrote orders to admit my tPA candidate  to the hospitalist and then to call them when the patient got upstairs so I could immediately attend to the mother's needs.  Every kid got Levaquin and I got seven perfect scores.  Bam!  That's how the game is played," said one ER physician.



Vaccination Outbreak Forces Orange County To Declare State of Emergency.

Orange County - Shortly after Disneyland became ground zero for the largest vaccine preventable disease outbreak the United States has seen in decades, unvaccinated children of Orange County families overwhelmed doctors' offices and local healthcare clinics fearfully seeking immunizations against measles, mumps, rubella, whooping cough and other childhood illnesses.  This surge in vaccination cases left government officials no choice but to declare a vaccination state of emergency.

"Due to the actions of a few thousand heartless pseudo-anti-vaxx parents who abandoned their principles at the first sign of a little measles, we are now faced with a vaccination outbreak of epidemic proportions,"  said Stan Walters, Director of Orange County's Public Health Department.

Last week alone, public health officials reported nearly 23,000 children in Orange County were unnecessarily vaccinated after  misinformation by pro-vaccination terrorists was widely disseminated on Facebook, Twitter and Google Plus.  This brings to 100,000 the number of children vaccinated since the measles outbreak began in late 2014.

Public health officials have been pleading with the public to remain calm.  "Those vaccinators are relentless.  We are working 18 hour days to help our citizens avoid making any rash decisions," said Mr. Walters.

The citizens of Orange County have always lived in unvaccinated  harmony with nature, oblivious to the dangers of childhood vaccines.  The percentage of some Orange County schools with fully vaccinated children has remained less than 30% for many years, but the recent vaccination outbreak has changed that and many anti-vaxx parents now worry about the effect vaccinated children will have on the wellbeing of their own child.

Officials are working feverishly to stop the vaccination outbreak.
"I used to send my kid to school everyday with the comfort of knowing most of their schoolmates were unvaccinated. But now that 95% of Jimmy's classmates got vaccinated, I have to live in fear everyday wondering which one of these kids is going to give my child autism.  No parent should have to live like that,"  said the mother of one anonymous anti-vaxx parent who just returned from her biweekly botox injection.

Officials promised to do everything they could to stop the vaccination epidemic in its tracks. "No child in Orange County should ever have to go through the mild pain, occasional swelling and discomfort of vaccines ever again," said Mr Walters.



Tesla Motors Receives 5-Star Suicide Safety Rating From American Psychiatric Association.

Arlington, VA -  Premium car company Tesla Motors, maker of the all electric and emission free Model S luxury vehicle, proudly accepted the coveted 5-Star Suicide Safety rating on Friday from the American Psychiatric Association's Suicide Prevention Board (APASPB).

During over 40 years of independent suicide testing, the APASPB has never given out a 5-Star rating to a car company because of the exceptionally high risk of carbon monoxide poisoning and general risk of death experienced during closed garage suicide field testing.

"We are thrilled to be recognized by the APA as a leading manufacturer of safe suicide technology.  Our engineers have worked countless hours perfecting the Model S to  provide the safest possible suicide attempt for sad and lonely rich executives and their children lucky enough to pluck down $100,000 for a big-ass battery,"  said  Tesla Vice President of Engineering Ben Franzen.

During two years of field testing, Tesla asked depressed volunteers to park a Tesla inside an enclosed garage structure, turn the vehicle on and wait. "Our data confirms a 0% death rate at 1 hour, 4 hours and 12 hours, which is much longer than any adolescent has ever been known to keep interest in anything.  We know Americans have many transportation choices and we want parents to know their children can attempt suicide in our Tesla with confidence, "  said Mr. Franzen.

While Tesla is not the first emission free vehicle on the market, it is the first to earn a 5-Star Suicide Safety rating because of its sleek body design and clean lines. "Form and function have always been deciding factors to achieve a 5-Star rating from APASPB and Tesla Motors is the only car company to rise to that occasion," said Dr. Jane Faulkner, President of the APASPB.

Prior to Tesla, no car company had ever earned more than four stars because of design flaws that caused some teenagers to feel like they wanted to die instead of getting caught riding in the car. "The Prius and Leaf actually increased suicidal ideations among tall, skinny, white middle-class suburban teenage males with acne.  We had to knock a star off their ratings until they found a less pathetic design,"  said Dr. Faulkner.

The 1976-1987 Chevy Chevette never received more than a 1-Star Suicide Safety rating from the APASPB in 12 years of production before being forced into retirement by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA) because of its ugly design.

"Over 20,000 teenagers a year committed suicide to avoid getting seen driving around in the Chevette, followed closely by 7,000 suicides a year attributed to the Chrysler's K-car", said Dr Faulkner.
Tesla Motors is proud to be the pseudocidal car of choice.

Despite Tesla's perfect score, some ER doctors questioned whether the 5-Star rating was warranted.  "We get at least two or three teenagers a month coming in intubated by squad after being found unresponsive in the front seat of their Tesla with the engine running and the garage door closed.  We had to finally tell EMS to quit intubating them,"  said Dr James Fenergin, an ER doctor who frequently roles his eyes when attention seeking wrist cutters present with an estimate loss of only 5 red blood cells.

Snarky ER nurses confirmed the rising incidence Tesla related pseudocidal attempts. "These kids are usually 12-volts short of a battery."

The American Psychiatric Association hands out very few 5-Star Suicide Safety Ratings.   Most recently, Johnson & Johnson, the parent company of McNeil Consumer Products Company was given a 5-Star Suicide Safety Rating with their 1 mg Tylenol tablets.  " J&J has never had a successful case of suicide with this suicide protective dose.  What we found over and over again was most females got bored or full after swallowing just 50 tablets and texting their boyfriend that they were about to die, before calling 911 themselves."

While they've never handed out more than 5-Stars in their 5-Star rating system, the APA is currently thinking about giving 6 out of 5 stars to the soon to be released 1mg Tylenol-Mucomyst combination pill to compliment the 12/10 pain experienced by doctors and nurses managing Acute Attention Seeking Behaviors.


Heart Hospital Scrambles After All Cardiologists Call In Stuck After Snowstorm.

Boston, MA -  Massachusetts Heart Hospital was forced to scramble over the weekend after every single cardiologist called in stuck after a snowstorm dropped over two feet of snow on the city.  House Supervisor Jan Stevenson was notified of the hospital wide physician shortage after nurses started complaining nobody had rounded on any patients for nearly 48 hours, which isn't always unusual.

"Some nurses became concerned after the first  24 hours, but we decided to hold tight because it was actually nice having none of the doctors around.  After 48 hours, out of physician courtesy, we called every single cardiologist on staff to find out where the Hell they were. Of the 13 [cardiologists] that answered their phones,  not a single one of them could get out of their neighborhood in their really expensive real-wheel drive sports cars," said Jan, who had no problem making it to work in Benton, her awesome 1997 front-wheel drive Grand Am with 240,000 miles under its belt.

Despite the total absence of physicians, the 100 bed heart hospital remained fully staffed with over 250 nurses, respiratory therapists and pharmacists who traveled as far as 100 miles away through ten foot snow drifts following nights of drunken stupor to make it to the hospital for their morning shifts. "Not a single one of our staff was even close to getting stuck," said Jan, who noted the average staff car was 14 years old, had 180,000 miles, three good tires, moderate rust and was named Trusty."

"That says a lot about the kind of people who work here,"  added Jan.

A hospital marketing team took advantage of the blizzard-like conditions to send out a press release reporting 99.8% of their staff made it to their shift with a country leading  Snowstorm-to-Shift-Arrival-Time of under 90 minutes, but conveniently left out the part about having no physicians in the hospital.

"Damn Ferrari got stuck in my garage, again" 
Of the 13 cardiologists who returned the frantic call for help, seven had their Porsche 911 stuck in a snow drift by their homes' mailbox while four lucky cardiologists made it all the way to the entrance of their neighborhood by keeping their 7-series Beamer in low gear.  One doctor's Tesla ran out of juice just minutes after plugging in his iPhone and the 13th cardiologist was unlucky enough to have his Ferrari get high centered in his 14 car heated garage after several dozen snowflakes accidently made it in.

"Damn Ferrari got stuck in my garage again,"  said Dr. Donald Fleming, the cardiologist who revolutionized the use of nurse practitioners, PlayStation 3 and an internet connection to do heart caths from the comfort of his home.

To make it through the weekend, Heart Hospital officials initiated emergency protocols allowing hospitalists to round as cardiologists until the streets were cleared.  "I've never seen so many minivans in the doctors' lot in my life.  It was kind of embarrassing,"  said Jan.


"We have snow days too.  And by snow days I mean we get our asses to work on days with three feet of snow."
We have snow days too. And by snow days I mean we get our butts to work on days with three feet of snow nurse ecard humor photo.Medical Humor Store Banner



Employer-Sponsored Health Insurance Staying Steady

Rates of employer-sponsored healthcare have not declined since the implementation of the ACA, according to Fredric Blavin, a Senior Research Associate at the Urban Institute’s Health Policy Center. These findings, published in the January 2015 issue of Health Affairs, are based on his analysis of the Health Reform Monitoring Survey. Researchers at the Urban Institute administered this survey to workers between June 2013 and September 2014, asking if they are/were employed and if they are/were offered employer-sponsored health coverage. Analysis of these national data, displayed in figure 1, suggests that rates have remained statistically constant. The pre-existing and new ACA economic incentives for workers to obtain coverage from employers remains strong; the feared erosion has not yet materialized.


Massachusetts An Early Example

Earlier studies on Massachusetts’ employer-sponsored insurance market support Blavin’s findings. Between fall 2006 and fall 2009, a period of time which included adoption of the state’s health reforms, the rate of employer-sponsored insurance increased by 3%.

ACA Provisions Prevented Downward Direction

Incentives in the healthcare law have restrained the predicted drop-off in employer coverage. Provisions, such as ongoing preferential tax treatment of premiums through payroll deductions and the mandate to provide coverage for businesses with 50 or more workers, have persuaded employers to continue offering plans.

But Small Firms Are Left Out

One notable result from this survey is the nagging imbalance between large firms and small firms offering coverage.  Although mechanisms like the small employer tax credit and the SHOP Marketplace are meant to close this gap, small businesses have not taken advantage. Outreach and education with small businesses represents a large opportunity for insurance coverage expansion.   Small employers need information to understand provisions of the ACA in order to provide health insurance options to this growing workforce.

Michele Thornton, MBA
Insurance and Benefits Consultant


Measles Virus Made Large Contribution To Rand Paul Just Days Before Autism Vaccine Comments.

Newport, KY -  Rand Paul staffers were forced to admit Tuesday that Measles Virus made a large possible-presidential-campaign contribution just days before the Kentucky Senator's autism vaccination comments took the medical community and reasonable people in general by storm.  During a CNBC interview with Kelly Evan's on February, 2nd 2015, Senator Paul said this:
"I have heard of many tragic cases of walking, talking normal children who wound up with profound mental disorders after vaccines.  I'm not arguing vaccines are a bad idea."
Measles Virus, a fevered supporter of personal freedom, denied making the large contribution - through his MMR political action committee (PAC) - to Senator Paul's campaign with the hope of buying influence in his likely run for the 2016 presidency.  However, staffers indicated Measles asked for his money back after Senator Paul chose to clarify his comments in the days that followed:
"I did not say vaccines caused disorders, just that they were temporally related – I did not allege causation."
Measles Virus takes back his money in protest
"It was a rash decision, but I had to do it for me, my family and all my other virus friends experiencing discrimination.  He was our greatest hope for freedom," said Measles, who was disappointed in Mr. Paul's decision to backpedal on his position.

After news of Measles' political contributions to Senator Paul went viral, former political staffers started connecting-the-dots and came forward with knowledge of big campaign contributions by the viral powerhouse in years past.

"I always suspected Measles was behind the anti-vaccination comments made by pre-presidential candidates Hillary and Barack.  We're talking millions of dollars given through the MMR PAC.  That kind of dough is infectious for any candidate and can be hard to ignore,"  said a former campaign staffer.




Man Walks 21 Miles Each Way To Buy Cigarettes.

UPDATE:  The crowdfunding effort has netted Mr. Fleming over 5.5 million dollars in cash and a case of Marlboro cigarettes from his local smoke shop.  Way to go Randy!

Rural Kentucky -  Randy Fleming knows all about life's little setbacks.  In 2014 he was hospitalized with chest pain following the loss of $300 from a Super Bowl bet gone bad.  Two heart attacks and four cardiac stents later, Randy feels blessed just to be alive.

So when his car got towed last year for unpaid parking tickets and he couldn't afford to pay the impound fees, he did what any other die hard smoker would do in this situation.  He started walking.  A lot.  Twenty-one miles each way to his smoke shop to be exact.

"Doctors told me walking was good for my heart, so I decided to listen to their advice and hit the streets after I lost my car," said Randy, who says he's dropped from a five pill per day nitroglycerin user to 3 pills per day ever since he started walking last year.

In nearly a year of his daily cigarette commute, Randy has put in more than 15,000 miles of walking to make sure he has enough cigarettes to put on the table for him and his family.  Despite being a single father with four teenage smokers to support, Randy isn't complaining.

"Living in rural Kentucky is tough.  Everyday is a struggle.  I have to walk uphill, both ways, sometimes in a blizzard, just to get to Cheapest Damn Cigarettes and Phone Cards Smoke Shop," said Randy.

But Randy isn't complaining.  "It's what I do for me and my family."

Local news station WKYT was alerted to his daily struggles by Tom Johnson, a fellow smoke shop regular, and decided to profile Randy as their feel good feature story of the week.  So moved by the story, Tom set up a crowdfunding site to help Randy get a car to ease the burden of buying cigarettes for himself and his family.  Facebook and Twitter lit up with hashtag #Lucky21GetRandyDrivingForSmokes and the rest was history.
Randy does whatever it takes to support his kids' smoking habit.


"After reading about James Robertson and his quarter million dollar loot to buy a car, I thought we could do better than that and better we did.  Our crowdfunding initiative has raised over 5 million dollars for Randy in just one short week.  We are proud of our fellow Kentuckians for coming to the rescue of one of our own."

Randy was overwhelmed with emotions after learning about his new found fortune.  But that joy quickly turned to fear after he realized he still had 6 million dollars in unpaid hospital bills to attend to.

"Perhaps I can work out a deal with the hospital where they'll let me keep a couple million dollars to support my family's smoking habit and they can have a rest," said Randy.



This Little Diabetic Piggy: The Homeopathic Nursery Rhyme

Diabetes, USA - The This Little Piggy nursery rhyme and fingerplay had been a childhood favorite of parents and kids for over 200 years. What made this song special was the lighthearted play and gentle touch that went along with the smiles and laughter percolating through the hearts and souls of parents and children alike.  But fast forward to the 21st century and all was not well.  Diet, exercise, doctors and medicine were a proven failure in the quest to rid diabetes from our nation.

As a result, diabetes and diabetic related foot complications had threatened the very innocence of the This Little Piggy nursery rhyme.  No longer was it politically correct to enjoy the anticipated laughter of few little piggies with your child while tens of millions of children and adults with Charcot joints, neuropathic pain and partial amputations  suffered under the weight of Nursery Rhyme Discrimination (NRD).

The emotional toll that NRD (DSM-5 Axis VI*) was taking on victims was  first described in 2003 after researchers set out to prove the link between diabetes and the increased risk of stroke, heart attack and joining class action lawsuits was mere coincidence.  Instead,  these well respected anti-vaccine community leaders hypothesized the increased risk of stroke, heart attack and joining class action lawsuits was in fact caused by NRD and not by hyperglycemia's well established physiological effects on endothelial function.

In 2003,  Jenny Wakefield, MD and her team of homeopathic pediatricians became international celebrities after The New England Journal of Medicine published results of their placebo controlled double blind study showing a 70% relative reduction in one-year mortality for diabetic families who  had a goal HgbA1c of 6.5 and sang This Little Diabetic Piggy instead of a goal HgbA1c of 14 and sang This Little Piggy.

In a summary of her findings, Dr Wakefield concluded that strokes, heart attacks and diabetic class action lawsuits could be eliminated if parents took a less discriminatory tone of communication with their children during times of nursery rhyme fingerplay.

Let diabetic nursery rhymes bring your family together forever!
"This study was a wakefield call for all the diabetics out there.  There's no science behind ditching your Little Debbies.  If you want to improve your health, ditch your Little Piggies instead,"  said Dr. Wakefield.

Dr Wakefield was responsible for the marketing brochure seen below intended to help parents and their children learn the words for the more accepting This Little Diabetic Piggy nursery rhyme.  The astute reader notes that toe #1 and toe #2 are out of order in the song.

The great toe was in fact supposed to go to the OR but was saved after the surgeon inadvertently guillotined toe #2 during surgery.  "I had a sudden unexplained urge for #2 and I'd rather not talk about it anymore,"  said the orthopedic surgeon who tried to cover up his mistake by putting the foot in a non weight bearing cast for two years, which also just happened to be the statute of limitations for medical malpractice.

THIS LITTLE DIABETIC PIGGY LYRICS
This little diabetic piggy went to OR,
This little diabetic piggy got gout,
This little diabetic piggy trained the ortho chief,
This little diabetic piggy got quinolone,
And this little diabetic piggy got cellulitis all the way to the bone!

This Little Diabetic Piggy...




* Axis VI codes real diseases causing real pain and suffering that are currently on a waiting list for official ICD-10 classification, such as Dilaudopenia and  Fibromyassitis

If you're offended by this politically incorrect piggy humor, don't get all your piggies in a bunch. And definitely don't go checkout this collection of diabetes humor.  You might end up with a stroke or a heart attack or joining a class action lawsuit.



Punxsutawney Phil Discovers Every Day is Groundhog Day in the ER.

Punxsutawney, PA - Groundhog Day was hastily cancelled today after Punxsutawney Phil failed to show up for his annual shadow showdown.  With the nation watching in horror, Phil was yanked from his hole -unresponsive and pulseless - with a fresh DNR tattoo carved across his chest and a death certificate draped across his fur just waiting for a final time of death to complete the celestial discharge.

That's when his power of attorney jumped up from the crowd and declared, "I'm just not sure what he really would have wanted.  Start chest corrections and incubate him now!"

Medics worked feverishly to bring Phil back from groundhog heaven before transporting him to the nearest hospital.   "We're baggin' a full code/DNR male with an O2 sat of 42%," they reported to the ER team hoping to bypass the triage nurse just this once.

Investigators quickly began piecing together the chain of events leading to Phil's near death experience after finding a bottle of Dilaudid- known locally as groundhog heroin - and an emotional letter to his family in a nearby hole.  Punxsutawney Mayor Richard Alexander held back tears as he read with great sadness from the note found at the scene.

Punxsutawney Phil discovers every day is Groundhog Day!
"After being diagnosed with diabetes three years ago, my eyes had rapidly deteriorated and I couldn't even see a shadow of my shadow.   I entered hospice last month to help alleviate my pain after losing three legs to gangrene this winter and dialysis just around the corner.   Diabetes may have cost me a leg and a leg and a leg, but hospice gave me back my dignity."

Authorities were quick to blame the empty two pill prescription of Dilaudid obtained from the ER as the cause of Phil's close call with celebrity death. "Without a shadow of a doubt, we plan to investigate and prosecute all physicians involved in giving our beloved Phil access to such powerful palliative medications," said the Mayor.

ER staff declined to comment on Phil's status, except to say he was being closely monitored once every six hours while waiting for  intensive care hospice nurses to answer their phone for  report.  Just another day in the ER.  Where every day is Groundhog Day.



Local Hospital Mandates Super Bowl Fever Vaccine or Be Forced to Watch Soccer.

Seattle, WA -  Just hours after the Seattle Seahawks beat the Green Bay Packers on January 18th, 2015 to secure their place at  Super Bowl XLIX,  Seattle's Northern Hospital began announcing mandatory vaccines against Super Bowl Fever in a last ditch effort to prevent shutting down in the days following the big game.

For years, the Monday after Super Bowl Sunday has proven to be one of the biggest sick days of the year.  Cities with teams in the Super Bowl often experience extreme levels of unexplained illness that threatenes to shut down city services and access to public health.

But recent work by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has discovered a highly contagious class of virus - Sportolovirus - that causes sports team related mass illness.  Super Bowl Fever,  Stanley Cupitis and NBA Championship Flu are three recently discovered illnesses caused by the Sportolovirus.

Northern Hospital officials took a proactive approach this year by requiring all employees and contracted employees to obtain the Super Bowl Fever vaccine during a mass vaccination party just hours after the NFC Division Conference Championship win.  Without the vaccine, employs who call in sick on Super Bowl Monday will be required to watch soccer for three hours straight before returning to work.

"Two weeks ago, our top notch administrative team projected 80% of our staff would fall ill in the hours leading up to the Monday morning shift.  With the mandatory Super Bowl Fever vaccine, we project only 3% of our population will be subject to three hours of soccer,"  said CEO David Walker.

It's either vaccine or watch soccer.  You make the call!
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is confident in isolating this year's strain that is expected to bring staffing nightmares to businesses everywhere.  "We anticipate this vaccine strain, S20NE42, will be effective in preventing Super Bowl Fever in 97% of all vaccinated employees,"  said Don Stenner, a CDC virologist and Seahawks fan.

However, not all CDC experts agreed.  "My computer models suggested the S42NE12 strain was a more likely fit to prevent this years outbreak but I was in the minority on this one," said Jamie Flemming, a CDC virologist with family roots in New England.

After a rough flu season blamed on a failure to adequately predict this year's influenza strain, officials at the CDC were forced to admit they had diverted 80% of their resources away from influenza work last year to work with cities and hospitals on developing their new Sportolovirus vaccination program.

Vegas casinos were also taking notice of the CDC actions, betting most of them would lose their jobs before the end of the year after the Ebola fiasco.




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