Arlington, VA - Premium car company Tesla Motors, maker of the all electric and emission free Model S luxury vehicle, proudly accepted the coveted 5-Star Suicide Safety rating on Friday from the American Psychiatric Association's Suicide Prevention Board (APASPB).
During over 40 years of independent suicide testing, the APASPB has never given out a 5-Star rating to a car company because of the exceptionally high risk of carbon monoxide poisoning and general risk of death experienced during closed garage suicide field testing.
"We are thrilled to be recognized by the APA as a leading manufacturer of safe suicide technology. Our engineers have worked countless hours perfecting the Model S to provide the safest possible suicide attempt for sad and lonely rich executives and their children lucky enough to pluck down $100,000 for a big-ass battery," said Tesla Vice President of Engineering Ben Franzen.
During two years of field testing, Tesla asked depressed volunteers to park a Tesla inside an enclosed garage structure, turn the vehicle on and wait. "Our data confirms a 0% death rate at 1 hour, 4 hours and 12 hours, which is much longer than any adolescent has ever been known to keep interest in anything. We know Americans have many transportation choices and we want parents to know their children can attempt suicide in our Tesla with confidence, " said Mr. Franzen.
While Tesla is not the first emission free vehicle on the market, it is the first to earn a 5-Star Suicide Safety rating because of its sleek body design and clean lines. "Form and function have always been deciding factors to achieve a 5-Star rating from APASPB and Tesla Motors is the only car company to rise to that occasion," said Dr. Jane Faulkner, President of the APASPB.
Prior to Tesla, no car company had ever earned more than four stars because of design flaws that caused some teenagers to feel like they wanted to die instead of getting caught riding in the car. "The Prius and Leaf actually increased suicidal ideations among tall, skinny, white middle-class suburban teenage males with acne. We had to knock a star off their ratings until they found a less pathetic design," said Dr. Faulkner.
The 1976-1987 Chevy Chevette never received more than a 1-Star Suicide Safety rating from the APASPB in 12 years of production before being forced into retirement by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA) because of its ugly design.
"Over 20,000 teenagers a year committed suicide to avoid getting seen driving around in the Chevette, followed closely by 7,000 suicides a year attributed to the Chrysler's K-car", said Dr Faulkner.
Despite Tesla's perfect score, some ER doctors questioned whether the 5-Star rating was warranted. "We get at least two or three teenagers a month coming in intubated by squad after being found unresponsive in the front seat of their Tesla with the engine running and the garage door closed. We had to finally tell EMS to quit intubating them," said Dr James Fenergin, an ER doctor who frequently roles his eyes when attention seeking wrist cutters present with an estimate loss of only 5 red blood cells.
Snarky ER nurses confirmed the rising incidence Tesla related pseudocidal attempts. "These kids are usually 12-volts short of a battery."
The American Psychiatric Association hands out very few 5-Star Suicide Safety Ratings. Most recently, Johnson & Johnson, the parent company of McNeil Consumer Products Company was given a 5-Star Suicide Safety Rating with their 1 mg Tylenol tablets. " J&J has never had a successful case of suicide with this suicide protective dose. What we found over and over again was most females got bored or full after swallowing just 50 tablets and texting their boyfriend that they were about to die, before calling 911 themselves."
While they've never handed out more than 5-Stars in their 5-Star rating system, the APA is currently thinking about giving 6 out of 5 stars to the soon to be released 1mg Tylenol-Mucomyst combination pill to compliment the 12/10 pain experienced by doctors and nurses managing Acute Attention Seeking Behaviors.
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During over 40 years of independent suicide testing, the APASPB has never given out a 5-Star rating to a car company because of the exceptionally high risk of carbon monoxide poisoning and general risk of death experienced during closed garage suicide field testing.
"We are thrilled to be recognized by the APA as a leading manufacturer of safe suicide technology. Our engineers have worked countless hours perfecting the Model S to provide the safest possible suicide attempt for sad and lonely rich executives and their children lucky enough to pluck down $100,000 for a big-ass battery," said Tesla Vice President of Engineering Ben Franzen.
During two years of field testing, Tesla asked depressed volunteers to park a Tesla inside an enclosed garage structure, turn the vehicle on and wait. "Our data confirms a 0% death rate at 1 hour, 4 hours and 12 hours, which is much longer than any adolescent has ever been known to keep interest in anything. We know Americans have many transportation choices and we want parents to know their children can attempt suicide in our Tesla with confidence, " said Mr. Franzen.
While Tesla is not the first emission free vehicle on the market, it is the first to earn a 5-Star Suicide Safety rating because of its sleek body design and clean lines. "Form and function have always been deciding factors to achieve a 5-Star rating from APASPB and Tesla Motors is the only car company to rise to that occasion," said Dr. Jane Faulkner, President of the APASPB.
Prior to Tesla, no car company had ever earned more than four stars because of design flaws that caused some teenagers to feel like they wanted to die instead of getting caught riding in the car. "The Prius and Leaf actually increased suicidal ideations among tall, skinny, white middle-class suburban teenage males with acne. We had to knock a star off their ratings until they found a less pathetic design," said Dr. Faulkner.
The 1976-1987 Chevy Chevette never received more than a 1-Star Suicide Safety rating from the APASPB in 12 years of production before being forced into retirement by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA) because of its ugly design.
"Over 20,000 teenagers a year committed suicide to avoid getting seen driving around in the Chevette, followed closely by 7,000 suicides a year attributed to the Chrysler's K-car", said Dr Faulkner.
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| Tesla Motors is proud to be the pseudocidal car of choice. |
Despite Tesla's perfect score, some ER doctors questioned whether the 5-Star rating was warranted. "We get at least two or three teenagers a month coming in intubated by squad after being found unresponsive in the front seat of their Tesla with the engine running and the garage door closed. We had to finally tell EMS to quit intubating them," said Dr James Fenergin, an ER doctor who frequently roles his eyes when attention seeking wrist cutters present with an estimate loss of only 5 red blood cells.
Snarky ER nurses confirmed the rising incidence Tesla related pseudocidal attempts. "These kids are usually 12-volts short of a battery."
The American Psychiatric Association hands out very few 5-Star Suicide Safety Ratings. Most recently, Johnson & Johnson, the parent company of McNeil Consumer Products Company was given a 5-Star Suicide Safety Rating with their 1 mg Tylenol tablets. " J&J has never had a successful case of suicide with this suicide protective dose. What we found over and over again was most females got bored or full after swallowing just 50 tablets and texting their boyfriend that they were about to die, before calling 911 themselves."
While they've never handed out more than 5-Stars in their 5-Star rating system, the APA is currently thinking about giving 6 out of 5 stars to the soon to be released 1mg Tylenol-Mucomyst combination pill to compliment the 12/10 pain experienced by doctors and nurses managing Acute Attention Seeking Behaviors.
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