Pages

Home » Posts filed under Satire
Tampilkan postingan dengan label Satire. Tampilkan semua postingan
Tampilkan postingan dengan label Satire. Tampilkan semua postingan

Nurse Creates The Mother Lode of All Advance Directives.

Albany, NY -- Adrian Fleming knew all about the horrors that went on at her hospital everyday.  As a seasoned floor nurse at SunnyView Hospital for over 20 years, she had a front seat view of the face palms that threatened patient safety everyday. She also knew someday she would be a patient in her own hospital and with that fear in mind, set out to create the mother lode of all advance directives.

An advance directive is a written statement of a person's wishes regarding medical treatment created to ensure those wishes are carried out should the person be unable to communicate them to a doctor.

Her advance directive began as a collection of wishes and prayers and fears written on the back of sticky notes and used napkins, the communication method of choice between doctors and nurses.  After her first year on the job, Adrian had a large collection of random demands, each meticulously notarized by the hospital chaplain for authenticity.

Over the years, her collection of requests grew into a 17 page hardback nonfiction book titled Nobody Is Ever In a Fu*king Vegetative State:  What You Should Really Include In Your Advance Directive, an Amazon Times best seller.

An advance directive nobody will ever miss.
Then tragedy struck.  After twenty years of caring for patients, Adrian found herself hospitalized in the ICU,  seriously injured after hitting a light pole trying to avoid a barely gowned patient that just left AMA to buy cigarettes at a gas station across the street from her hospital.

Luckily, Adrian had her advance directive with her at all times; a barcode tattoo on her wrist, where she knew all the nurses would place her numerous armbands.

Unresponsive and intubated, but not in a vegetative state, Adrian's new grad nurse working in the ICU for the first time because seven nurses quit the week before after being accepted into nurse anesthetist school, scanned her wrist before placing the first of her seven  Joint Commission mandated arm bands. And what she found was a treasure of information on how to care for Adrian in the hospital.

Up on her computer popped a message that started, "Think of this as my birth plan for my ICU stay. I can hear everything you're saying.  As your guiding force, if you're thinking 'I would never let that happen to me, then don't let it happen to me either.'"

Then page after page of medical directives started flowing from the computer, as if a damn had broken upstream and a river of knowledge was released on the newby.  All in all, 496 legally binding demands were laid out for all the medical staff to adhere to.  Here are the top 10.

TOP 10 ADVANCE DIRECTIVE REQUESTS


1)  Don't let these surgeons operate on me Dr. XXXX, Dr. YYYY,  Dr. ZZZZ, Dr. XOXO, Dr XXY.   I don't care if they are the only ones on-call.  Transfer me AMA to another hospital if you have to (Names protected for publication).

2)  Don't even think about putting a Foley in me just because you don't wan't to clean me.  And that means no rectal tube either.  This is nonnegotiable.

3)  I don't want a CT scan to rule out shit that you and I both know I don't have if you just take the time to examine me.

4)  Don't put me on antibiotics because you can't tell if its CHF vs PE vs PNA vs COPD.  The xray is probably abnormal because of poor technique.

5)  If the radiologist says clinical correlation recommended, I don't want any other images read by that radiologist.    They are fired.

6)  Don't even think about consulting dermatology for any reason.   Instead, if it's wet make it dry and if it's dry make it wet.

7)  If you don't put me on VTE prevention dosing prophylaxis, I'm going to sue every...last...one...of...you, when I get a DVT.

8)  If I get c diff, it's because you didn't wash your f**cking hands.  I'm not a carrier, I can assure you.  That means I'm going to sue every...last...one...of...you.  Don't give me c diff.

9)  If I'm in isolation, I expect you to follow all the precautions, every time.  Not just the first 30 minutes of your shift.

10)  I am not hospice material.  Don't let the hospitalist tell you otherwise.


"You get a Foley. And you get a Foley. Everyone gets a Foley!"

You get a Foley. And you get a Foley. Everyone gets a Foley!



Cardiologist Arrested For Murder After Cathing Patient to Death.

Tallahassee, FL -- The Tallahassee medical community was stunned Friday after state prosecutors charged local Cardiologist Stan Wellington with first degree murder for the cathing death of James Binkmann.   Prosecutors claim the 79 year-old patient was killed by a four hour cathing rampage that ended with cardiac arrest just as a left pinky artery stent was being deployed.

Prosecutors released a transcript of the frantic 911 call they received from a float nurse in the cath lab the morning of the patient's death.  "This is damning evidence," said State Prosecutor Denny Fleming.
911:  911.  What is your emergency?
Nurse:  I'm at the hospital watching a doctor cath a patient to death. He's been here four hours and says he won't stop until he finds something to stent.  I don't know what to do!
911:  We're sending officers now.  Tell the doctor food just arrived in the doctor's lounge and get out of there now, before he tries to cath you next.
Dr. Wellington's defense attorney claims he was just doing what his patient requested.  "Mr Binkmann told my client not to quit until he was sure nothing was wrong - that he didn't want to come back next week and do this all over again."

"While Mr Binkmann's death is unfortunate, Dr. Wellington was directed by the deceased not to repeat the failures of the Hospitalist doctors who had released him 'too early' his last seven admissions this year.  He said he wanted everything done, so my client did everything."

Cardiologist arrested for murder after cathing patient to death.
After finding crystal clear coronary arteries, prosecutors claim the doctor went too far by cathing his eyes, tongue, neck, lungs, kidneys, spleen, gallbladder,  colon, and even his scrotum before finally finding a clearly stentable lesion in the victim's left pinky.

"He was out of control.  Like a vampire in search of blood.   For God's sake, he cathed the poor man's testicles in search of stentable lesion", said a nurse who witnessed the scene unfold.

Dr Wellington has another theory on why his patient died on the cath table.  "Those damn nephrologists  canceled my Lasofloxalbuterol order and gave him fluid instead."




Joint Commission Mandates Armband to Identify Patients With Too Many Armbands.

Oakbrook Terrace, IL --  Hospitals are up in arms again after The Joint Commission (TJC) on Monday started requiring all patients with too many armbands  to be flagged with an armband for having too many armbands. Mark Chassin, President and Chief Executive Officer of TJC, applauded his organization for taking  action against his organization's failed policies.

"I'm proud The Joint Commission is finally  taking a stand against The Joint Commission for continuing to ignore all the unintended consequences of their regulations," said Dr. Chassin.

Doctors and nurses have been telling authorities for years that too many patient armbands are a safety hazard, but those complaints had fallen on deaf ears until last week when 87 year old ICU patient Pat Swanson of Denver, Colorado  underwent emergent bilateral upper extremity amputations at Great Scotts Medical Center shortly after 52 armbands cut off circulation during an anasarca storm.

"After a root cause analysis, we  determined the PROBABLY A PALLIATIVE CARE CANDIDATE  armband placed an hour before the event finally took her arms over the edge," said Dr. Steven Johnson, the Hospitalist on duty when this tragic but totally foreseeable event occurred.

"When she was admitted 24 days ago, she only had three arm bands, but if you do the math, she gained just over 2 armbands per day in the ICU that nobody noticed. In retrospect, the patient telling us 'My arms are too heavy with armbands to lift a spoon and eat' should have clued us into an emerging problem, but we were too busy filling out FMLA papers for multiple family members everyday to head her cry for help," said Dr. Johnson.

In the last four years, The Joint Commission says the average number of patient armbands has skyrocketed from 3 to over 17, as more and more patient characteristics demand armband worthy status, adversely affecting everyone in the hospital.  Nursing students are constantly pulling the code blue cord in an abundance of caution after being unable to palpate a radial pulse.  Medical students have no idea what  pronator drift is anymore.  Phlebotomists are being  retrained to perform bedside  carotid cut-downs for routine blood draws.  Even administrators are overwhelmed with committees trying to solve the excessive armband problem.
Too many armbands?  There's an armband for that!

"At one point we had 17 committees - all working independently and without communication - each trying to come up with a solution that nobody else liked, resulting in 17 other committees to sort it all out," said Dr Johnson.

What came out of these painful meetings was nothing short of genius at Great Scotts Medical Center. "We hired a hospital seamstress to convert  all those armbands into one giant sash for the women and a handsome fashion belt for the men.  Patients love it and it's a great conversation piece for family.  Plus, as an added bonus, we have the highest satisfaction scores in the universe! Thank you Joint Commission for being so helpful," said Dr Johnson.


Complete list of 52 armbands removed from Pat Swanson.

  1. Swanson With an O
  2. Already Outlived Life Expectancy
  3. Don't Code Her, She Won't Know The Difference
  4. Allow Natural Life Support
  5. Risk of Talking Alot
  6. Risk of Family Filling Out Poor Patient Satisfaction Survey
  7. Looks Older Than Her Stated Age
  8. Ambiguous Name Alert
  9. Suspected  Female
  10. Hard of Understanding
  11. Hits On Young Male Doctors
  12. Likes To Talks About Her Bowels
  13. POA Is A Physician
  14. Doesn't Believe In Flu Shots
  15. Family Googles Everything
  16. Thinks Most Doctors and Nurses Are Too Young
  17. Risk of Asking Lots of Questions
  18. Reads Every Consent Word-For-Word
  19. Family Wants Lawyer To Review All Documents
  20. Wants a Comfortable Death With Everything Done
  21. No Known Drug Allergies
  22. Allergic to All Antibiotics - Anaphylaxis
  23. Allergic To  Wasps, But Not Bumble Bees
  24. Has Two Daughters Who Never Leave The Room
  25. Thinks She's The Only Patient In the Hospital
  26. OK To Go Outside and Smoke
  27. Has Lots of Great Stories If You Have a Free Moment
  28. Wants Everything Taken Care Of While She's Here
  29. Found Cheating at Crossword Puzzles
  30. Should Be In a Nursing Home
  31. Can't Remember If She Has Dementia Or Not
  32. When She Yells 'Bill', Just Say 'Yes,'
  33. Doesn't Like To Be Called Honey
  34. It's Fakeasia, Not a Stroke
  35. Frail like a Babby Bunny
  36. That's Not a Wig You See
  37. Was Perfectly Healthy Until A Week Before Getting Sick
  38. Has Appointment at Mayo Clinic After Discharge To Figure This Out
  39. Disappoints Easily
  40. Not Really a Fighter
  41. Loves a Good Foley
  42. QHS = 4 PM
  43. Rides Call Light Like a Rodeo Champ
  44. 12/10 On The Pain In My Ass Scale
  45. Direct Eye Contact Should Be Avoided
  46. OK To Incubate 
  47. Gown and Glove Encouraged
  48. On Family Meal Plan
  49. Dilaudid 2 MG IV Push Preferred
  50. Dysphagia 7 Diet
  51. Probably a Palliative Care Candidate
  52. Too Many Armbands



Memorial Day Also Remembers Veterans Who Lost Their Life In a VA Hospital.

VA Hospitals -  Memorial Day is a time to remember our service men and women who died while serving in the armed forces, but it's also a time to pay respect to the thousands of veterans who die every day in our VA hospitals all across the country.

Billy Smith and his family are using today to remember World War II Veteran Granpa Jim, shot 17 times in war, who passed away three years ago at their local VA hospital after undergoing routine bunyan surgery and never making it out alive.  "We dropped him off for a routine surgery and we never heard from him again," said Billy, who says the VA still has no record of him ever getting admitted in the first place.

The Smith Family is not alone.  Hundreds of thousands of families use Memorial Day to remember their fallen VA hospital heroes who went in to get routine medical care and ended up paying the price with their lives.

For many families, Memorial Day is a painful reminder of the lack of accountability in the VA system, were employees can't be fired even in the most egregious of circumstances.

Memorial Day honors veterans who lost their lives in a VA hospital
"When I was a resident, I was trying to save the life of my ICU patient crashing on the ventilator, and the x-ray technologist said he wasn't going to come in on a Friday night to do a stat chest x-ray because he lived 30 minutes a way and it was snowing outside," said Dr. Stanley Franklin, an internist who knows how hard it is to get anyone fired from the VA for gross incompetence.  "That place breeds death."

"Then there's the time my MI patient waited six days for a cardiac echo because the echo tech was on vacation for a week.  Oh and then there's that one time my patient bled to death after a nurse stuck him 87 times trying to get an IV started. The list goes on and on."

For many veterans the real war is not on foreign grounds with bombs and bullets, it's fighting for their lives every time they enter a VA hospital.  Please remember to honor your fallen VA patients who gave their lives so some VA employee could instead enjoy a fine potluck lunch.






Staying Against Medical Advice: Top 15 Reasons!

Much has been said about patients who leave against medical advice, but little has been described  about patients who stay against medical advice.  When a hospital setting is no longer appropriate for a patient, a physician will recommend discharge to the next appropriate level of care.  For most well adjusted patients, the hospital is the last place in the world they want to be, but for a select subset of customers,  the hospital is the only place they would like to be.

The average adult probably finds it hard to believe some patients actually want to stay in the hospital longer than necessary, but it's true.

Staying longer than necessary does come with risk, including hospital acquired infections, medication errors and other unspecified iatrogenic badness.  But, try explaining that to the clientele refusing to leave and many doctors risk getting a 4 instead of a 5 on their patient satisfaction experience scorecard.
Staying Against Medical Advice is your right!

Remember, an unsatisfied patient is a hazard to a hospital's health.  With Medicare paying hospitals these days partly based on the patient experience, hospitals and their healthcare providers must walk an often impossible line between doing what's good for the patient and what's good for the patient experience.

In fact, Medicare believes so strongly in a patient's right to refuse discharge and stay against medical advice, they have a form that allows the patient to stay against medical advice and have their discharge decision appealed by some unknown entity with an unknown degree deep within the Medicare Fort.

photo 7dac7e09-65e5-4a26-aff4-e5b0f3752f80_zpsuqaxkt07.png

So why do some patients want to stay against medical advice and risk all the complications of continued hospital care?  Here is a Top 15 List of real quotes from patients who were allowed to stay against medical advice by hospitals fearful of not getting 5/5 on their patient satisfaction scores.

  1. "You have the best Dilaudid of any hospital I've ever been to."
  2. "My daughter ain't going anywhere  until you have her pseudoseizures under control."
  3. "My ride is out of town until Tuesday of next week."
  4. "Someone stole my Oxycotton script and I'm not leaving until you write me another one."
  5. "My husband got admitted to the hospital yesterday and I want to stay here until he goes home too.  Can he stay in my room too?"
  6. "I'm lonely at home and my kids never call."
  7. "The chicken cordon bleu here is amazing."
  8. "I have a call button.  Why would I want to go home?"
  9. "I've been having abdominal pain for 20 years and I'm not leaving until you figure it out."
  10. "My team is playing tonight and I don't have cable at home."
  11. "I'm not going to rehab until I'm strong enough for rehab."
  12. "I'm a squatter.  Get over it."
  13. "My kids don't get back from vacation until next week."
  14. "My water got shut off and I have no way to take a bath."
  15. "You all make me feel so good."
Prepare yourself. Patient is staying against medical advice!

Prepare Yourself. Patient is Staying Against Medical Advice!


UPDATE:  Patient #9 is still in the hospital after 423 days.



Universal Ortho H&P Rescues Surgeons From Pain and Suffering.

Rosemont, IL -  David Teuscher, President of the American Academy of Orthopaedic Surgeons (AAOS), confirmed yesterday a universal H&P that just needs to be signed by the surgeon is the best selling product offered by the society.

"The H&P is by far the best selling product our society has ever had!" said Dr. Teuscher.  "As an ortho doc myself, I have personally struggled through H&Ps my entire professional life.  I wish I had these twenty years ago."

With Hospitalists increasingly refusing to do 'Need pre-op H&P' consults, ortho doctors have increasingly found themselves in the uncomfortable position of having to complete an  H&P, especially ones on patients with no actual medical problems.

Dr.  Stitch Ansaw,  a prominent orthopaedic surgeon who admits he doesn't know what H&P actually stands for,  says the AAOA template has already saved at least one of his patients from needless suffering.

"I hadn't done an H&P for at least 10 years.  Last week a Hospitalist said they couldn't get to my stat 5 a.m. pre-op H&P consult for least 30 minutes because of  three code blues they were running simultaneously at three different hospitals.  That's just ridiculous.  Here my 48 year old patient with no medical problems and stable ring-finger OA is suffering needlessly and they're too busy to help me do paperwork for surgery.  Because of the AAOA template, I  was able to get this H&P thing done without delay and my lady is now on the road to recovery."

Contrarily, Hospitalists were thrilled to learn of the society's plan to help surgeons complete required pre-operative work.   Dr. Burke Kealey, President of the Society of Hospital Medicine, commended AAOS officials for their proactive approach to helping their members not look so helpless in the eyes of everyone around them.

Ortho is thrilled with their new universal H&P template!
"I'm actually quite surprised orthopaedic surgeons need help completing an H&P.  Most of them completed four years of medical school and at least five years of residency training, which is two years more than even the brightest internist.   You'd think they would have picked up a few H&P pointers from the medicine guys in those nine years," said Dr. Kealey.

Dr. Kealey admits he has little compassion for his poor ortho colleagues.  "I watched an ortho colleague the other day struggle for two hours trying to complete the universal H&P form while mumbling 'H&Ps are for little people' the whole time.  All he had to do was sign the form and be done."

For a scant $1,799 annual fee, ortho doctors  have been promised unlimited access to this copy write protected level 3 ortho H&P.  "Our members will never have to worry about doing an H&P ever again," said Dr. Teuscher from his 4 million dollar condo in Maui, paid for by AAOS H&P proceeds.

"I think we can probably charge 10X that amount and still not lose any sales."


photo 841485ee-c933-4fe6-919c-845cba9419bf_zpsivssfdot.png



First Time Mother Shows Up In ER With Complaints of Bilateral Symmetrical Breast Swelling.

Jackson, MS  - In what ER doctors are calling one of the strangest cases of Failure To Parent ever, 20 year-old first time mother Tanya Jameson called 911 demanding to be transported  back to Jackson Memorial Hospital by ambulance with complaints of severe, progressive, bilateral breast swelling three days after delivering a bouncy 10 pound 2 ounce baby boy.

Paramedics arrived at the scene to find Tanya's mother in a panic consoling her daughter writhing in pain.  "You've got to take my daughter to the ER.  Those damn doctors let her out too soon. Something is terribly wrong!" said her anxiety ridden mother Teagen, who's been bottle feeding the newborn with free hospital provided formula for the last three days.

When paramedics called in report, Emergency physicians were prepared for a critically ill septic young female with bilateral mastitis, a breast infection that can cause serious illness when left untreated. But when physical exam failed to show anything more than normal milk filled breasts, doctors realized the patient was unaware of the need to empty her breasts of milk.

Doctors called in the hospital's lactation specialist for a stat ER consult.

New mother admitted to hospital with iatrogenic pregnancy side effects
"Yeah.  I remember this girl last week.We tried to explain the whole breast feeding thing to her in the hospital, but she just wouldn't stop texting.  I heard she was even texting her baby's daddy right through delivery," said Jane Swanson, a lactation specialist who says this is pretty normal these days.

When doctors tried to talk to the mother about how to help her daughter navigate life as a new mother, they discovered she had gone outside to smoke a carton of cigarettes with the turkey sandwich she requested in triage.

After six hours of trying to get Tanya comfortable with morphine, Ativan, Zofran, Bendryl, Phenergan and Demerol, ER doctors called the Hospitalist to admit at shift change when she FINALLY become unresponsive to texting and the ER doctor was ready to go home.




Hospital Eliminates Paid Bathroom Breaks; Installs Computers In Restrooms For Mandatory Nurse Charting.

Gainesville, FL --  Barner Hospital officials have confirmed all staff restrooms were outfitted with  computers last week to help improve nurse charting efficiency and cut down on unproductive work hours that threaten the bonus structure of top administrative officials.

"After great thought and input from ourselves,  we concluded the ten year plan just didn't have wiggle room in the budget for paid restroom breaks," said Dan Stenwick, Chief Financial Officer at Barner.

"Over the last few years, we've had to make some difficult sacrifices on behalf of our team members to maintain our rapidly rising salaries here in administration.  After already eliminating 401-K matches and changing to a $10,000 per year high deductible healthcare plan, we felt getting rid of paid bathroom breaks was the most logical next step."

Starting today, all nurses will be GPS tracked at every moment in the hospital and sophisticated computer algorithms will be able to flag nurses - in real time - who fail to perform any charting while taking refuge in the restroom.

"It's important for our nurses to know that this new policy is not optional and failure to chart while you fart is grounds for immediate dismissal.  To help set the stage for our new era in efficiency, we have renamed all our staff restrooms to chartrooms," said Dan.

To enforce the new policy, Barner Hospital hired six new Charting Enforcers to hand out pink slips  under the bathroom stalls - 24 hours a day- when nurses are caught not charting with their pants down.

Surprisingly, the policy was receiving mixed reviews by nursing staff.  Some of the old-time nurses were outraged while most of the new graduates just figured it was for the good of the team, because they just didn't know any better.

Mandatory bathroom charting in the new normal for some nurses!
The seasoned nurses have reason to be concerned.  Some studies have suggested multitasking increases the risk of errors for all tasks and one nurse, who wished to remain anonymous, confirmed that finding.

"This new policy is crap.  I give it a year or two before they figure out how ridiculous it is, like everything else new they try around here," said the experienced nurse.  "While going #2 this morning,   I accidentally charted I gave 2 Dilaudids instead of 1.  Talk about a near miss error!"

Barner quality officials say they have anticipated a rise in multitasking errors and have implemented forms to track #1 and #2 type errors in the chartroom with the hopes of fine-tuning a training program to minimize chartroom errors in the future.





UpToDate® Forced To Admit Google Used as Their Main Source of Information.

Waltham, MA -  On the heals of an imminent 60 Minutes documentary exposing the inner workings of UpToDate®, the popular subscription-only, physician-authored clinical decision support resource,  officials were forced to admit  most of their authors use Google as their goto resource.

In a prepared statement to reporters, Wolters Kluwer Health, which owns UpToDate, confirmed  that Google is hands down the most popular resource used by their 6,000 physician authors to regurgitate medical information into neatly repackaged articles for the $500 per year professional service.

"I don't even know why this is news.  Everyone knows doctors have been using Google for years to get their trusted medical information like the rest of us, said CEO Nancy McKinstry.

"As little as 20 years ago, our physicians would have had to go to a library and ask a librarian to find peer reviewed articles, but nobody has time for that anymore.   The use of Google is just a natural extension of the internet revolution."

UpToDate says they actually encourage their authors to use lay people resources to fine tine their articles for the current patient-satisfaction-centered model of care.  "We know patients are using Google to find their trusted information.  It just makes sense for our authors to use Google too so our users don't find themselves in the uncomfortable situation of questioning the accuracy of Google with their patients," said Nancy.

In fact, just last week UpToDate stopped hosting all images on their servers and instead link directly to Google images to help physicians see hundreds, sometimes thousands of examples for any given condition.

"Our goal is to have Google and UpToDate coexist in a perfect symbiotic relationship where doctors feel good about using our service instead of Google and patients feel comfortable their physicians aren't dumber than Google," said Nancy.

Dr. Franklin Bennington, a surgeon at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine and prolific UpToDate author of more than 500 articles says he has no problem using Google to keep physicians abreast on best practices.

"In my article on performing lap appys, I linked to a 2007 YouTube video with over 2 million views I found by typing lap appy videos into the Google search engine.  And I even included recommendations on post-operative care from an online forum by a guy who calls himself Knot-A-Surgeon."

It turns out Google and UpToDate are pretty much the same thing.
The revelations have left many physicians angry at paying $500 a year for information they can get free from Google.  But those emotions quickly subsided after realizing they can earn hundreds of hours of continuing medical education credits everyday just by looking things up.  "I used UpToDate the other day to try and find some information on routine hypertension management and earned 60 hours  of qualifying CME in just 30 minutes," said Dr Elaine
Fenwick, a Kentucky Hospitalist who's state license totally coincidentally requires 60 CME to be renewed next week.

Recent research confirms the lack of patient mortality difference between physicians preferentially using Google over UpToDate as their research choice.  However, one subset of patients did suggest physicians with prolific Wikipedia experience may actually have a slight survival benefit.

"The data is intriguing and we may have to gently nudge our authors to lean more heavily on Wikipedia than we have in the past," said Nancy, who also notes a 78% increase in patients printing Wikipedia articles to show their doctors.

The close relationship between Google and UpToDate has some financial speculators suggesting Google my purchase UpToDate and change its name to GoogleCME®.



Nurse Admitted to Hospital After Literally Working Her Ass Off.

Houston, TX -  After years of mandatory overtime, 16-hour days without a restroom break and a revolving door of understaffed and overworked conditions as a hospital nurse, it finally happened.  Jan Stevens, R.N. was admitted to the hospital last week shortly after her ass literally fell off during a busy day in which two nurses called in sick at the last minute, without explanation, on a sunny Friday afternoon.

"I tell my husband and kids all the time that I'm exhausted after working my ass off at work , but I never thought it would actually happen," said Jan.

The strange event occurred while Jan was giving Ativan to an old and naked demented guy trying to ask her out on a date while two young Facebookers demanded more Dilaudid for their abdominal pain of no possible cause, one patient's out-of-town physician daughter was on hold waiting to reverse an end-of-life DNR and two smokers descended on the nurses station, in their street clothes, asking when the doctor would be there to discharge them.

"I was just standing there, overwhelmed with nonsense, when I felt a sudden weight lifted off my pelvis.   I turned around and  there was my ass laying on the floor in a pool of c diff.," said Jan.

Rapid response team members transported the hard working nurse to the  ER where Emergency physicians worked for hours to try and find an admitting physician.

"The ER doctor told me he was working his ass off to find a surgeon to admit me and I just looked at him and shook my head.  I told him 'You don't get to say that to me today.'"

Surgeons working their asses off to fix Jan's ass.
Hospital officials were stunned by the work related injury, but they admit it was only a matter of time before something like this was bound to happen.

"We've got some pretty hard workers here at the hospital but Jan is one of our best.  We'll have to take this incident back to our 12 committees to start a root cause analysis,"   said Wendy Stenson, Vice President of Meetings.

"But regardless of what we find, we just don't have the money to increase staffing ratios.  Maybe we'll think about  implementing mandatory prophylactic ass taping for all our staff."

Since Jan's remarkable event went viral, she has received hundreds of job offers, but Jan is thinking about taking advantage of the workers' compensation lifestyle for awhile instead.

"I think I've earned it."



Joint Commission Implements Mandatory Universal Patient Helmet Regulations.

Baltimore, MD - In an effort to reduce injuries and deaths related to in-hospital falls,  the Joint Commission notified hospitals last week of strict new universal  helmet regulations for all hospitalized patients, without exception.

Patient death or serious injury associated with a fall while being cared for in a health care setting has been a recognized since 2002 as one of 27 original never events as defined by the National Quality Forum (NQF).  The complete list was revised in 2011 to include 29 never events, but falls by confused old naked men have continued to result in serious injuries despite endless attempts to counteract natural traumatic hospital acquired deaths.

"We've heard from hospitals loud and clear.  They've tried everything from 4 point leather restraints and  putting on fall-risk arm bands to Ativan drips with soothing country music and we have concluded that patients are just gonna fall.  So we figure it  makes sense for us to force all patients to wear a helmet," said Mark R. Chassin, M.D. FACP, M.P.P, M.P.H, president and chief executive officer of The Joint Commission (TJC).

"In a few years, universal helmet use will be as normal as universal hand washing is today."

Hospitalists were thrilled to learn about mandatory helmet regulations in the hospital.  "I get at least two calls a night from the night nurse letting me know they found a patient laying unresponsive on the floor in a pool of blood at 2 a.m. with a large pulsating scalp bleeder and do I want to do anything about it," said Hospitalist James Fleming.

"But now with mandatory helmet regulations, I think we'll be more comfortable not ordering the stat CT head.  It's just going to take some time getting used to."

While hospitalists were thrilled with their new found nocturnal freedom, not all specialities were equally excited.  Stan Bedlow, a prominent local Neurosurgeon was concerned the new policy would interfere with his ability to operate effectively and efficiently.

"We asked The Joint Commission to waive their tough new standards for neurosurgical patients, but they said no.  "I'm not really sure how I'm going to access the brain through a helmet, but we believe The Joint Commission is the gold standard in safety, so we'll probably just consult the  hospitalist to manage it.

Hospitals prepare for mandatory patient helmet use.
Some surgical nurses were happy to hear the hospital was finally going to counteract unsafe operating practices. "We've had a few patients roll off the table and die while the anesthesiologist was doing advanced sudoku puzzles and trading stocks and the orthopedic surgeon was blasting Guns N' Roses and singing Sweet Child o' Mine, " said one surgical nurse who wished to remain anonymous for fear of telling the truth and losing her job.

Even the Obstetricians were left scratching their heads on the new mandatory helmet policy.  "We've been told by our hospital quality officials that all expectant mothers and their newborns will be required to have a helmet secured prior to the baby exiting the birth canal or C-section.  We figured this was a perfect job for the third year medical student so we've decided to base their whole clerkship grade on how well they perform retraction-helmet duty," said Academic Obstetrician Dr. Michelle Johnson.

The Joint Commission expressed confidence their strict new safety measures would be accepted kindly by physicians who understand the importance of universal safety precautions in the hospital.  "We anticipate physician experience with our helmet regulations will help them fully embrace our anticipated full body Charmin wrap requirement planned for next year's accreditation process," said Dr. Chassin.


Walmart Rounds Helping Train Nation's Young Doctors.

Little Rock, AK - Doctors at the University of Arkansas Medical Center celebrated the three year anniversary of Walmart Rounds on Friday, a one-of-a-kind initiative exposing student doctors to a wide variety of conditions rarely seen anywhere else in the world.

Attending physicians, residents, interns and medical students  from most specialities have donned their white coats and headed to their favorite local Walmart isle for the last three years to observe the stunning pathology of Walmartians in their natural environment.

"During Walmart rounds, we try and tell our students to be as discrete as possible whenever they discover a horse or a zebra, but sometimes their excitement overcomes them," said attending Neurologist Dr. Krzesimir Bednarczyk.

"Just last week one of my gunners in isle three started yelling back to the team 'Here comes a hemochromatosis with a lupus rash, even though it was clearly just an old lady with a bad tan.'"

When the Rheumatologists heard about a possible case of lupus heading their way,  they laughed and chuckled arrogantly.  "I teach all my fellows that nobody has lupus unless we say they do," said Dr. George Bostinza, the Rheumatologist known best for his shirt 'Why the Hell did you order a sed rate anyway?'

"We also had to put up a sign that says 'If  you're here for fibromyalgia, STOP!  Turn around and go back.  Fibromyalgia is a primary care disease.'"

But FP would have no part of it.  By punting every shopper to another service, attending physicians used Walmart rounds to educate student doctors on the financial aspects of medicine.   "We always thought our young Medicaid clinic patients rolling up in their fancy rims and newest iPhone were a bit on the entitled side, but we were shocked to learn how belligerent they became when the cashier wouldn't accept their Medicaid card as payment in full," said Dr. Alan Fenwick.

ER doctors hanging out in deli hated Walmart rounds because of the never ending stream of shoppers sent over by other teams telling them to go see ER without even a courtesy call overhead.  "Just last week some old guy showed up with Dizziness of No Possible Cause to get a stat MRI and wondered why the neurosurgeon wasn't waiting for his immediate arrival," said Dr. Brenda Dresser, an Emergency Medicine doctor who has since authored a case series in the NEJM titled  Turkey Sandwich Request as a Sign of Homeless Dilaudopenia.

"We're also thankful that I.D. chose to hang out in produce so we could them all our toxic sock syndromes."

After just one week of Walmart rounds, the Infectious Disease teams started handing out gloves and yellow gowns after seeing dozens of their C. difficile and MRSA patients man-handling the grapes.  "Less than six months after starting our infection control program in produce, we noticed a statistically significant 76% reduction in mold on Walmart strawberries," said Dr Daniel Messer, the ID doctor who routinely refuses consults for bilateral cellulitis on principle.

Walmart helping train young doctors.
Over the last three years, the Pulmonologists working cigarette checkout discovered  87% of their patients did not quit smoking last week, 92% forgot to bring their oxygen with them and 98% did in fact have $30 lying around for their copays. "They're basically just a bunch of liars," said Pulmonologist Dr. Stan Spencer, himself a two pack-per-day smoker.

While hanging out in baking, ortho  routinely spilled olive oil and waited for a fracture in unsuspecting lol's.  Appalled by the caveman like approach to medicine, many ortho students tried to escape to Dermatology hanging out in skin care, but realized they didn't usually show up until 11:00 am and were usually gone by noon for a long F.A.C.

Not so for the trauma doctors. They found Walmart to be fertile training ground for excited young surglings.  "The Walmart Scooter Club  has been a  gold mine for our young trauma doctors.   We see at least at least one high impact scooter-scooter collision every Friday.  Anything can happen when you've got two 500 pound objects colliding at break-neck speed," said trauma surgeon Dr Stan Harlow.

Even the Hospitalists used Walmart rounds as a quality improvement project after they discovered none of their patients ever showed up to their PCP follow-up appointment
within a week of discharge.  "We started scheduling follow-up at our Walmart rounds and discovered a 72% reduction in 30-day readmission rates over the last three years," said Dr John Fender, Director of Outpatient Hospitalist Medicine.

Two specialties in particular, Psychiatry and Pediatrics, have both abandoned their hospital training programs all together for a full time Walmart residency experience.  "We just couldn't replicate the level of pathology seen at Walmart in our hospital," said the hospital CEO.



New Granny Dumping Law Excites Doctors and Nurses.

Minneapolis, MN - Hospitalists and ER doctors clapped loudly Monday after Minnesota Governor Mark Dayton signed legislation SF 18342, making it illegal for families to drop elderly relatives off in the ER and then leave.  The offense is a misdemeanor with a fine of up to $2,500.

Dubbed the Granny Dumping Law, officials hope this puts an end to the practice of using expensive emergency rooms and hospitals as a holding tank for the state's at-risk elderly community while their children take family vacations to warmer climates or simply want a weekend alone without their parents or in-laws.

Doctors and nurses say they can see a granny dumping case from a mile away and are tired of being used as daycare staff by uncaring children who use the state's hospital system as their vacation kennel.

"At least once or twice a day every winter, we see families decked out in Tommy Bahamas, driving slowly through the ER parking lot in a minivan pilled high with suitcases before calmly wheeling granny up to triage to say something is wrong with nana and then driving off, " said ER triage nurse Adrian Bremer.

The legislation allows doctors and nurses to hand out fines on the spot, after being deputized by the state, when they suspect cases of granny littering in the ER.   The minimum fine is $1,000 but quickly rises to $2,500 for cases involving poocanos or toxic foot syndrome.

In today's age of entitlement, some families don't even try to hide their desire to rid grandma for the weekend. "I had a guy last Friday drop off his mother-in-law with a box of Kellogg's Raisin Bran ® saying he was having a big poker game this weekend and he'd be back Monday to pick her up," said Adrian. "When I told him that wasn't appropriate, he said 'EMTALA bitch' then asked where his satisfaction survey was."

Granny Dumping Law hopes to reduce Vacation Observation admissions.
Instead of working up these patients, ER doctors have started to call the hospitalist to directly admit them from triage for Vacation Observation (ICD-10 code 33.10.9).

"We used to call the families after everything came back normal except the gratuitous contaminated UA, but they never answered their phone and we aren't allowed to send an old person home from the ER," said emergency doctor James Johnson, who claims that's a hospital policy and he's just doing his job.

But hospitalists say the already busy winter months have become increasingly more intolerable with the rising number of vacation related admissions.

"I'm averaging three vacation observation patients a day on my list and they are the hardest to please.  I think the families are telling them we are a 5-star hospitel." said hospitalist Dr. Jenny Howell.

Even some community doctors have starting using Vacation Observation as a reason to clear their census for their own family vacation.

"It was awesome.  I had my Physician Assistant Assistant's nurse call the hospitalist last Friday evening and make up a story about how all seven of my patients needed a higher level of care so I could clear my census for vacation," said one Family Medicine doctor who wished to remain anonymous because he knew what he was doing was just plain shitty.




Pharmacist Pill Color Debate Goes Viral.

The color of the dress, that is clearly black and blue, take a strange and unusual turn Friday after a Walgreens pharmacist posted a picture of some Advil gel cap pills on his Facebook account asking, "Are these pills green or black?"  Thousands of pharmacists painfully debated the color for hours with both camps escalating the discussion to profound levels with ever more creative variations of cat pictures and  Michael Jackson eating his popcorn, resulting in a nationwide pharmacist shortage for hours.

At the height of the viral argument, thousands of pro-spanking, vaccine denying, and end-stage fibromyalgeurs hijacked the debate and concluded, without a doubt, that vaccinating unspanked children causes fibromyalgia.

The internet is a strange and wonderful place.  And now it's a public utility!  Congratulations.  You just wasted another minute of your live reading this!

What color are these pills?
What color are these pills?  


Troopers Nab Drug-Seeker Trying to Fill Script for '1 Pound of Mofine'.

Dallas, TX -  Texas State Troopers arrested 47-year-old Harold Stanker on Tuesday after Walmart pharmacists reported a man trying to fill a prescription for 1 pound of mofine written by an ER physician named The Doctor.

The suspect told officers he got the prescription during a recent visit to the hospital. "The doctor gave it to me after sum dude knocked me out while I was mindin' my own business," said Harold, an ER frequent-flier known for his almost daily pain complaints after altercations with sum dude.

Walmart pharmacists say they have received extensive training in prescription fraud, but admit it's getting harder and harder to separate the fake scripts from the real ones.

"It doesn't help that we actually have a self-humoring ER physician on file named The Doctor who frequently writes his scripts on napkins or other random paper products and signs them with a smiley face,"  said Walmart pharmacist Allen Bensen.

'1 pound of mofine' prescription tips off Walmart pharmacist
Allen admits it wasn't the chocolate stained napkin or even the misspelling of morphine that tipped him off.   "We're so used to the obnoxiously bad spelling and handwriting of doctors that we don't even pay attention to that stuff anymore.  Now we just take our best guess on the phonetic spelling of the script and go with it.  Besides, when we call physicians to clarify, we usually get a voice mail telling us to call the pharmacist for any prescription related issues," said Allen.

The Walmart pharmacist says he actually became concerned because of the unorthodox weight based dosing of the drug.  "If he had written the script for 2000 mofines, I probably would have filled it, no questions asked," said Allen.

When officers searched Harold, they also found prescriptions for 2000 oxycottons, a bag fulla hydacodas and a handful of fenergins.



Medicare Agrees to Pay For Reverse and Reverse-Reverse Transgender Surgery.

Medicare -  In 2014, The Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) lifted a three decade old law banning Medicare transgender reassignment surgery coverage for patients experiencing gender dysphoria, an intense discomfort or mismatch with biological sex and gender identity.

However, a lawsuit by the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) claimed the policy discriminated against gender reassignment surgery patients experiencing transgender dysphoria, an intense discomfort or mismatch with their reassignment sex and transgender identity described in in the most recent DSM-5 2.0 update.  Medicare officials agreed and decided last week to provide expanded coverage for reverse and reverse-reverse transgender reassignment surgery.

Transgender advocates hailed the new policy as a step in the right direction.  "We are happy with expanded coverage options, but we will continue to vigorously reject any limitations on surgical transgender interventions," said Silver Storm, head of the political action committee Right to a Transgender Medicare Life.

"I've got several diabetic friends from my bridge club who've had parts of the same leg removed over six times before finally getting the whole thing cut off.   As a transgender Medicare patient, it's discrimination to only pay for up to three sex change operations.  What if I need four or five or six?"  said Silver.

Medicare now provides expanded coverage for transgender dysphoria
A rash of transgender dysphoria cases last year helped convince Medicare officials of the need to expand coverage.  Quin Jensen, a 72-year-old transgender Medicare patient explains.

"Ever since I was a little boy, I've dreamed of living my life as a post-menopausal elderly woman. But after the surgery, I realized it wasn't what it was all cracked up to be.   After the surgeon gave me boobs that hung to the floor, I knew I had transgender dysphoria and wanted out of that body," said Quin.

In another case, 76-year-old Elm Tree realized she made a terrible mistake transforming into a male after finding out the average male in the United States only lived to 77 years old.  "After one of my friends told me women live five extra years, I told my surgeon to change me back, but it wasn't covered until last week.  Thank you Medicare for giving me another five years of life!"  said Elm.



The Joint Commission Cracking Down on Wrong Twin Surgery.

Oakbrook Terrace, IL -  The Joint Commission (TJC) announced new hospital safety mandates yesterday after 27 more cases of wrong twin surgery were reported this week alone.  American hospitals documented 1,492 cases of wrong twin surgeries last year, a 114% increase from just two years prior.

"After years of nitpicking, we almost ran out of stuff to investigate.  This twin thing is going to keep us busy for years," said Dr. Alan Fleming, President of TJC.

In one wrong twin surgery incident last week,  42-year-old Stan Wilson accidentally had his tonsils removed after the registrar failed to correctly enter Stan#2 into the hospital's computer system.

"I grew up in a time when you didn't question the doctors.  So, I got confused when they took my  Stan instead of  Stan#2 to surgery, but they're the doctors so I just figured they knew what they were doing," said the twin's mother Samantha.

The Joint Commission hopes to put an end to wrong twin surgeries.
Last week Jane and Jan Morrow took advantage of their similar names to get free breast enlargements.   Jan was whisked off to surgery after the registrar accidentally entered Jan instead of Jane.  Plastic surgeon James Cutsworth realized his error when Jane showed up for her post-operative appointment asking for something bigger.

"This is the fourth twin BOGO free boob job I've had to do in a year," said Dr. Cutsworth, who failed to catch the error despite following standard pre-surgery checklist requirements.  "The Joint Commission decided to ding us anyway for not having a wrong twin surgery protocol in place."

To help reduce the risk of wrong twin surgery, TJC now recommends both twins be present on the day of surgery so doctors can write "NO" on the wrong twin.  For identical triplets and other multiple gestations, TJC does not currently have policy mandates.  "But we're working hard to make this stuff up as we go," said Dr. Fleming.

"What if I told you The Joint Commission is cracking down on wrong twin surgery."

What if I told you The Joint Commission is cracking down on wrong twin surgery photo wrong twin surgery_zpspfrwqepm.jpg



24-Hour tPA Stroke Window Making Physician Lives So Much Better Now.

Dallas, TX - Twenty years of  physician suffering ended abruptly Monday after the American Stroke Association (ASA) announced a dramatically expanded 24-hour tPA stroke window protocol to better accommodate doctors' increasingly hectic schedules.

"Recent apologies by the American Board of Internal Medicine forced us to reevaluate our priorities as an organization.  We now understand just how disruptive our three hour tPA window has been on doctors' lives and for that we are deeply sorry,"  said ASA President Dr. Jan Fleming.

With the new 24-hour window, ASA officials are hoping to give doctors much greater flexibility in planning emergent tPA administration around their busy days.

"Now is the time to start putting physician satisfaction first or we're going to be left with a nation of doctors who only work at The VA Spa," said Dr. Fleming, the ASA's first private practice ASA President.

Some neurologists wasted no time taking advantage of the new doctor-friendly protocol.  "Last month I would have quit after the first nine [holes] of a stroke alert.  Now, I can get in 36 holes, watch Tiger, drink a couple beers and not have to worry about showing up late to the tPA window," said Dr Bazyli Baczewski, a neurologist who has never made it to a stroke alert before the 3-hour window.  Not ever.  Not even once.

Other neurologists have already started pushing for once-daily tPA rounds at their hospital in conjunction with a hospitalist run 24-hour hemiplegia observation unit.  "With the new 24-hour window, it doesn't make sense for me to interrupt my drug rep lunch, miss my kid's soccer game, or cancel my front row tickets to Taylor Swift for emergent tPA.  Homonymous hemianopsia can wait until the morning for whomever is on call at that time," said Neurologist Dr. Agnieszka Sobkowiak, the world famous homo hemi expert.

Unfortunately, not every community is lucky enough to have within-24-hours access to a tPA Neurologist.  Since 2003, tPA decisions for stroke patients in rural America  have generally been punted to the on-call physician assistant.  In critical access hospitals with only access to nurse practitioners, the American Academy of Physician Assistants (AAPA) recommends transferring tPA candidates to other critical access hospitals that employ physician assistants.  President of the AAPA Don Witmore explains.

24-hour tPA stroke window brings relief to doctors everywhere!
"The American Academy of Family Physicians (AAFP) and the American Association of Nurse Practitioners (AANP) got together a few years ago and decided since tPA has PA in it, we were the most natural fit to make the call."

But, with the growing army of  physician assistant assistants caring for rural America, having PAs make the call isn't the straightforward decision it used to be.  "We are teaming with pharmaceutical companies to develop tPAA so we can finally pass the torch and avoid getting stuck holding the bag," said Don.

With the 24-hour window now the standard of care,The American Academy of Emergency Medicine (AAEM) responded by officially punting tPA decisions out of the hands of ER doctors forever.  "Now that we've added tPA to our master list of drugs outside the ER scope of practice, we are proud our doctors only ever have to memorize six drugs to make it through their shift:  Phenergan, Dilaudid, Levaquin, Lasix, Lorazepam and Colace." said AAEM President Dr. Stan "Dilaudicet" Wilson.

Some ER physicians have already noticed a dramatic rise in their Press Ganey scores by allowing them more time to focus on patients threatening to call the CEO and less time on hemiplegic patients who can't even hold a pencil to fill out the survey anyway.

"Last week I had a mother complain about waiting for six minutes to have all seven kids seen for problems listening to her.   I quickly wrote orders to admit my tPA candidate  to the hospitalist and then to call them when the patient got upstairs so I could immediately attend to the mother's needs.  Every kid got Levaquin and I got seven perfect scores.  Bam!  That's how the game is played," said one ER physician.



Vaccination Outbreak Forces Orange County To Declare State of Emergency.

Orange County - Shortly after Disneyland became ground zero for the largest vaccine preventable disease outbreak the United States has seen in decades, unvaccinated children of Orange County families overwhelmed doctors' offices and local healthcare clinics fearfully seeking immunizations against measles, mumps, rubella, whooping cough and other childhood illnesses.  This surge in vaccination cases left government officials no choice but to declare a vaccination state of emergency.

"Due to the actions of a few thousand heartless pseudo-anti-vaxx parents who abandoned their principles at the first sign of a little measles, we are now faced with a vaccination outbreak of epidemic proportions,"  said Stan Walters, Director of Orange County's Public Health Department.

Last week alone, public health officials reported nearly 23,000 children in Orange County were unnecessarily vaccinated after  misinformation by pro-vaccination terrorists was widely disseminated on Facebook, Twitter and Google Plus.  This brings to 100,000 the number of children vaccinated since the measles outbreak began in late 2014.

Public health officials have been pleading with the public to remain calm.  "Those vaccinators are relentless.  We are working 18 hour days to help our citizens avoid making any rash decisions," said Mr. Walters.

The citizens of Orange County have always lived in unvaccinated  harmony with nature, oblivious to the dangers of childhood vaccines.  The percentage of some Orange County schools with fully vaccinated children has remained less than 30% for many years, but the recent vaccination outbreak has changed that and many anti-vaxx parents now worry about the effect vaccinated children will have on the wellbeing of their own child.

Officials are working feverishly to stop the vaccination outbreak.
"I used to send my kid to school everyday with the comfort of knowing most of their schoolmates were unvaccinated. But now that 95% of Jimmy's classmates got vaccinated, I have to live in fear everyday wondering which one of these kids is going to give my child autism.  No parent should have to live like that,"  said the mother of one anonymous anti-vaxx parent who just returned from her biweekly botox injection.

Officials promised to do everything they could to stop the vaccination epidemic in its tracks. "No child in Orange County should ever have to go through the mild pain, occasional swelling and discomfort of vaccines ever again," said Mr Walters.



Tesla Motors Receives 5-Star Suicide Safety Rating From American Psychiatric Association.

Arlington, VA -  Premium car company Tesla Motors, maker of the all electric and emission free Model S luxury vehicle, proudly accepted the coveted 5-Star Suicide Safety rating on Friday from the American Psychiatric Association's Suicide Prevention Board (APASPB).

During over 40 years of independent suicide testing, the APASPB has never given out a 5-Star rating to a car company because of the exceptionally high risk of carbon monoxide poisoning and general risk of death experienced during closed garage suicide field testing.

"We are thrilled to be recognized by the APA as a leading manufacturer of safe suicide technology.  Our engineers have worked countless hours perfecting the Model S to  provide the safest possible suicide attempt for sad and lonely rich executives and their children lucky enough to pluck down $100,000 for a big-ass battery,"  said  Tesla Vice President of Engineering Ben Franzen.

During two years of field testing, Tesla asked depressed volunteers to park a Tesla inside an enclosed garage structure, turn the vehicle on and wait. "Our data confirms a 0% death rate at 1 hour, 4 hours and 12 hours, which is much longer than any adolescent has ever been known to keep interest in anything.  We know Americans have many transportation choices and we want parents to know their children can attempt suicide in our Tesla with confidence, "  said Mr. Franzen.

While Tesla is not the first emission free vehicle on the market, it is the first to earn a 5-Star Suicide Safety rating because of its sleek body design and clean lines. "Form and function have always been deciding factors to achieve a 5-Star rating from APASPB and Tesla Motors is the only car company to rise to that occasion," said Dr. Jane Faulkner, President of the APASPB.

Prior to Tesla, no car company had ever earned more than four stars because of design flaws that caused some teenagers to feel like they wanted to die instead of getting caught riding in the car. "The Prius and Leaf actually increased suicidal ideations among tall, skinny, white middle-class suburban teenage males with acne.  We had to knock a star off their ratings until they found a less pathetic design,"  said Dr. Faulkner.

The 1976-1987 Chevy Chevette never received more than a 1-Star Suicide Safety rating from the APASPB in 12 years of production before being forced into retirement by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA) because of its ugly design.

"Over 20,000 teenagers a year committed suicide to avoid getting seen driving around in the Chevette, followed closely by 7,000 suicides a year attributed to the Chrysler's K-car", said Dr Faulkner.
Tesla Motors is proud to be the pseudocidal car of choice.

Despite Tesla's perfect score, some ER doctors questioned whether the 5-Star rating was warranted.  "We get at least two or three teenagers a month coming in intubated by squad after being found unresponsive in the front seat of their Tesla with the engine running and the garage door closed.  We had to finally tell EMS to quit intubating them,"  said Dr James Fenergin, an ER doctor who frequently roles his eyes when attention seeking wrist cutters present with an estimate loss of only 5 red blood cells.

Snarky ER nurses confirmed the rising incidence Tesla related pseudocidal attempts. "These kids are usually 12-volts short of a battery."

The American Psychiatric Association hands out very few 5-Star Suicide Safety Ratings.   Most recently, Johnson & Johnson, the parent company of McNeil Consumer Products Company was given a 5-Star Suicide Safety Rating with their 1 mg Tylenol tablets.  " J&J has never had a successful case of suicide with this suicide protective dose.  What we found over and over again was most females got bored or full after swallowing just 50 tablets and texting their boyfriend that they were about to die, before calling 911 themselves."

While they've never handed out more than 5-Stars in their 5-Star rating system, the APA is currently thinking about giving 6 out of 5 stars to the soon to be released 1mg Tylenol-Mucomyst combination pill to compliment the 12/10 pain experienced by doctors and nurses managing Acute Attention Seeking Behaviors.


Postingan Lama Beranda