Punxsutawney, PA - Groundhog Day was hastily cancelled today after Punxsutawney Phil failed to show up for his annual shadow showdown. With the nation watching in horror, Phil was yanked from his hole -unresponsive and pulseless - with a fresh DNR tattoo carved across his chest and a death certificate draped across his fur just waiting for a final time of death to complete the celestial discharge.
That's when his power of attorney jumped up from the crowd and declared, "I'm just not sure what he really would have wanted. Start chest corrections and incubate him now!"
Medics worked feverishly to bring Phil back from groundhog heaven before transporting him to the nearest hospital. "We're baggin' a full code/DNR male with an O2 sat of 42%," they reported to the ER team hoping to bypass the triage nurse just this once.
Investigators quickly began piecing together the chain of events leading to Phil's near death experience after finding a bottle of Dilaudid- known locally as groundhog heroin - and an emotional letter to his family in a nearby hole. Punxsutawney Mayor Richard Alexander held back tears as he read with great sadness from the note found at the scene.
"After being diagnosed with diabetes three years ago, my eyes had rapidly deteriorated and I couldn't even see a shadow of my shadow. I entered hospice last month to help alleviate my pain after losing three legs to gangrene this winter and dialysis just around the corner. Diabetes may have cost me a leg and a leg and a leg, but hospice gave me back my dignity."
Authorities were quick to blame the empty two pill prescription of Dilaudid obtained from the ER as the cause of Phil's close call with celebrity death. "Without a shadow of a doubt, we plan to investigate and prosecute all physicians involved in giving our beloved Phil access to such powerful palliative medications," said the Mayor.
ER staff declined to comment on Phil's status, except to say he was being closely monitored once every six hours while waiting for intensive care hospice nurses to answer their phone for report. Just another day in the ER. Where every day is Groundhog Day.
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That's when his power of attorney jumped up from the crowd and declared, "I'm just not sure what he really would have wanted. Start chest corrections and incubate him now!"
Medics worked feverishly to bring Phil back from groundhog heaven before transporting him to the nearest hospital. "We're baggin' a full code/DNR male with an O2 sat of 42%," they reported to the ER team hoping to bypass the triage nurse just this once.
Investigators quickly began piecing together the chain of events leading to Phil's near death experience after finding a bottle of Dilaudid- known locally as groundhog heroin - and an emotional letter to his family in a nearby hole. Punxsutawney Mayor Richard Alexander held back tears as he read with great sadness from the note found at the scene.
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| Punxsutawney Phil discovers every day is Groundhog Day! |
Authorities were quick to blame the empty two pill prescription of Dilaudid obtained from the ER as the cause of Phil's close call with celebrity death. "Without a shadow of a doubt, we plan to investigate and prosecute all physicians involved in giving our beloved Phil access to such powerful palliative medications," said the Mayor.
ER staff declined to comment on Phil's status, except to say he was being closely monitored once every six hours while waiting for intensive care hospice nurses to answer their phone for report. Just another day in the ER. Where every day is Groundhog Day.
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