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Fibromyalgia Allergy List Crashes EMR at Local Hospital

Arlington, VA - Officials at Saint Vincent Hospital are searching for answers after a fibromyalgia patient with 57 allergies crashed their electronic medical record less than two hours after going live.

"We were not prepared for the destructive forces fibro[myalgia] had to our IT infrastructure," said CEO Lance Bestow. "We spent eighty million dollars and hired fourteen consulting firms and it still found a way to ruin our day."

Pharmacist Jim Detter was working data entry duty when the malicious fibromyalgia attack occurred. "Everything was fine at first. Then I hit a string of allergies to cardboard, the color red, Washington State, and country music. I could literally feel my keyboard heating up. We. Were. Not. Prepared."

A Department of Health and Human Services official, who wished to remain anonymous because they were not authorized to speak to the public, has confirmed a rash of similar attacks around the country. "We have talked with numerous fibro-terrorism experts and none of them seemed optimistic for a rapid solution."

Common allergy profile in fibromyallergia.

Department of Homeland Security representatives are currently working with congressional leaders to craft legislation that requires all fibromyalgia patients to only report their top ten preferred allergies, none of which can include gluten, abstract thoughts or colors of any kind.

Reports of proposed government allergy restrictions quickly spread to Fibromyallergia, the internet's number one combined fibromyalgia and allergy forum. One anonymous member, who goes by the moniker I-Drive-A-Hurts, was convinced they had an allergic reaction to the news. "As soon as I heard this, I felt funny and added it to my list that I keep with me at all times. By the way, I have fibromyalgia."

Until such legislation becomes law, public health officials are asking fibromyalgia patients to error on the side of caution and only tell their physicians and nurses about their top three allergies. The AMA and ANA are loudly applauding these proposed changes.

Hospital Matches Personality Disorders of Patients With Medical Staff.

Dallas, Texas - Saint James Medical Center began triaging patients last week using exact match personality disorder testing. In preparation for this groundbreaking process, all doctors, nurses and other hospital employees completed mandatory personality disorder questionnaires several months prior.

"We had narcissistic doctors telling antisocial drug seekers 'Dilaudid is not the right drug for you.' The borderline nurses were walking past paranoid schizo rooms whispering 'We're here to help you.' It was ridiculous," said, Frank Duschbaugh, Director of Patient Satisfaction at Saint James Medical Center.

A recent study published in The Journal of Emergency Room Psychiatry confirmed an 87% improvement in satisfaction scores when patients were cared for by people of similar dysfunction.

"Doctors and nurses are just like their patients," said third year medical student and lead author, Jim Dasher. "When personality disorders of the patient most matched those of their doctors and nurses, everyone was happier. This was true across all levels of craziness."

Mr Duschbaugh gave several examples of how this new policy was already improving hospital satisfaction scores. "We have one frequent flyer who treats our staff terrible. We assigned Dr Fleck, our most hated doctor, for his last admission. We were shocked to get a from-the-heart thank-you letter from the patient several weeks later!"

Lonnie Flem, voted nurse-most-likely-to-cry three years in a row, also found solace with the new policy. "After caring for a 19 year old wrist cutter known for muttering 'I mean it this time' during her biweekly social visit to the ER, both Lonnie and our patient reported a dramatic rise in self worth after caring for each other in the hospital," said Mr Duschbaugh. "They've even become good Facebook friends."

The new policy has not been without difficulty. "We were not prepared for the number of patients with more than three personality disorders." said Mr Duschbaugh. Hospital officials are actively recruiting like-minded doctors and nurses. They indicate an endless stream of potential candidates have applied.

"Prepare yourself. Personality disorder in triage!"

Prepare yourself. Personality disorder in triage humor meme photo.

"What if I told you doctors and nurses are crazy like you."

EHR Updates During Busiest Time of Day Preferred By Hospital Doctors.

Grand Rapids, Michigan - Epic Systems Corporation, the maker of a leading electronic health records (EHR) product, has confirmed most physicians prefer to have their patient data management system go offline during times of peak patient encounters.

A recent study published in the Journal of Electronic Health Records asked 5280 physicians at four Michigan hospitals with at least two years of EHR experience when they prefer to have their system go offline for routine weekly maintenance. An overwhelming 77% preferred the hours of 3 - 7 pm on Mondays. The other 23% answered not applicable as they had not yet logged into their local patient management system or performed a single computerized physician order entry.

Having an EHR system shut down for routine maintenance can be challenging. Years of research has suggested practicing high quality care without access to patient records and an order entry platform can compromise patient safety, place computer keyboards at risk for traumatic injury and lead to vulgar language from doctors and nurses.

Stanley Jensen, Epic's Chief Maintenance Officer, said, "We were surprised most physicians enjoy having their busiest time of day interrupted." Mr Jensen indicated his team had planned on changing routine maintenance work to the middle of the night to minimize physician and nurse interruptions, but this survey changed his mind.

"I used to think having Epic go down for hours when I'm trying to admit eight patients through the ER, return 42 pages at the same time, run three codes and eat a late afternoon snack was ridiculous. But then I realized, it's a perfect chance for me to yell profanities and break stuff without remorse, " said Michigan University Hospitalist Jeb Feldor.

As a result of this ground-breaking study, most other EHR companies are looking for ways to maximize workflow interruptions of doctors and nurses.

Hospital Emergency Department Testing Drones To Deliver Bad News.

Newport, Connecticut - Trendy Hospital in Newport Connecticut is the first medical center in the United States to implement a drone program for delivering bad news in the emergency department.

Frank Gilmore, Chief Technical Drone Operator at Trendy Hospital, says "Our beta testing results are through the roof."

Drone is slang for an unmanned aerial vehicle. Their use has rapidly expanded into many facets of everyday life. At Trendy Hospital, drone use is currently limited to the delivery of bad news. "We don't want our patients associating bad news with any single physician. The risk of bad patient satisfactions scores is just too great," said Dick Janick, Chief Survey Operator at Trendy Hospital.

The drone shift has rapidly escalated into the most popular shift for Emergency Medicine physicians at Trendy. "I hate my job, except for the drone shift. I'll show up an hour early just to hang out with Denny [the Drone]," says Dr Lisa Bleckman, a cynical physician with 22 years experience.

In addition, Dr Bleckman said, "Denny told five patients in one day they weren't getting any Dilaudid. He got yelled at and swung at and nearly crashed. So I taught him to drop f-bombs as a way to defend himself."

A recent ruling by The Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services (CMS) allows drones to practice medicine without a license, as long as a board certified physician, licensed by the newly formed Federal Aviation Medicare Services (FAMS), is operating them. The fee starts at $1,000 a year for the smallest drones, rising rapidly to $12,000 a year for drones with IV starting capabilities in ED patients who say they want a PICC line to draw blood because they don't have any veins.

Ben Fledman, CEO of National Hospital Compliance (NHC) , worries about the risk of drone compliance in the hospital. "We recently formed a wholly owned subsidiary of NHC called DroneMD to help hospitals navigate the rapidly expanding hospital drone market. For example, Nurse Practitioners and Physician Assistants have not been given drone license privileges. Do you know the penalties if they get caught using them? DroneMD knows."

Trendy Hospital plans to roll out drone use to hospital wards in the next year to assist hospitalists with being in two places at once.

Foreign Bodies Left in the OR. Major US Hospital Shut Down.

Baltimore, MD - The Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services (CMS) announced the closing yesterday of world famous Johns Hopkins University Hospital after three foreign bodies* were left in the operating room on the same day.

"I've been in the O.R. business for 20 years and I've never seen three foreign bodies left in the O.R. on the same day," said Amy Blamer, a random a surgical technologist from Kansas with 23 years experience who was interviewed for this story.

On August 9th, 2014, a whistleblower notified CMS that that Dupang Mahepedra, Xiarp Xoxoxo, and Tariq Mohammad all died in the operating room. All three patients were MARTI translators on their way to language cross training classes when their van was struck in a Walmart parking lot by a man on a power wheelchair.

World class surgeons worked for 10 hours to try and save these fine men from their life threatening injuries. Unfortunately, all three men passed away on the table.

Early reports indicate surgeons Dan Strong and Phil Braisen ripped off their scrubs, wiped the sweat off their brow and quietly left the operating suite with their heads down in silence.

"After they left the O.R. crying, I saw them enter the doctor lounge for a Turkey sandwich. The nerve of them," said a housekeeper who agreed to speak anonymously for fear of losing her job.

Jim Ballstick, Head of Operating Room Privileges at CMS, was mortified. "To have a surgeon leave three foreign bodies in the O.R. on the same day mandates corrective action immediately," he said, while drinking coffee and searching Ticketmaster for front row seats to Bon Jovi in Baltimore next week.

"I take my job seriously and literally. I hope those surgeons know leaving three foreign bodies in the OR is not acceptable." As a result of this CMS investigation, The Joint Commission is investigating this investigation to determine if they need to investigate something. Anything.

Early reports indicated Johns Hopkins is working aggressively on a new marketing campaign aimed at smoothing over relations with the local foreign community.

"Leaving a foreign body in the O.R.? Aint nobody got time for that!"

* The term foreign bodies is slang for leaving unintended objects in the body after surgery is complete and is considered a never event. A recent CMS guideline published in document ME4598 mandates literal interpretation of this rule.

Ebola Virus Humor Memes and Stories.

I know it's hard to imagine that something as awful as Ebola virus could be funny. Well, it's true. The Happy Hospitalist has created a collection of mostly original Ebola humor content that can't be found anywhere else on the internet, except on Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest. This humor is not meant to make light of the devastating disease and morbidity this virus has brought upon hundreds of West African natives and a couple of white Americans. That pain and suffering is fully understood and appreciated.

We're all in this together, except for those in isolation. They're in it alone. Let's not hemorrhage our self respect and flame others for making light of such a terrible situation. If you don't find this kind of sick, dark humor enjoyable, I ask that you please stop reading now and go here instead. For those of you looking for some good ol' fashioned humor, I present to you The Happy Hospitalist Ebola Humor Meme and Story Collection!

"One does not simply observe Ebola."

One does not simply observe Ebola humor meme photo

"What if I told you Ebola has an ICD-10 code."

"Orthopedic Surgeon operates on Ebola patient. Estimates blood loss at only 5 RBCs."

"I don't always treat patient with Ebola. But when I do, I look it up on Google."

I don'tt always treat patients with Ebola virus, ,but when I do I look it up on Google humor meme photo.

"Prepare yourself. Ebola has gone viral!"

"Who to blame when you get Ebola: A CDC guide for healthcare workers."

"Ebola should not be quarantined in a community hospital. Hello? Ever heard of C. diff? MRSA? VRE?"

"Facebook changes relationship status update to Ebola status update."

Facebook Humor:

A Fox News study reported today has confirmed that most Americans blame Obamacare for the Ebola virus. The New York Times was unable to replicate the study.
Ebola vaccine at least 50 white people away -- The Onion
Should you be worried about Ebola? A helpful chart.
In response to a Texas hospital's healthcare worker testing positive for Ebola, the CDC has added "hold your breath as long as you can" and "close your eyes real tight" to the list of recommended Ebola isolation policies and procedures.
Heard tonight on Extra that John Travolta has signed on to star in a new movie about a middle-aged dancer in Liberia struggling to pay the bills. It's Called Saturday Night Ebola Fever.
In breaking news, a hospital in Dallas initiated strict Ebola isolation measures, just to be sure, in an 89 year-old demented bed bound nursing home patient with fever, pneumonia, UTI and a stage 4 decubitus ulcer after they were unable to verify her travel history.
And in breaking news, Texas Governor Rick Perry is claiming their Ebola virus is bigger.
California announced a ban on Ebola today and said they would be requiring all products sold in California to be labeled 'Ebola free'.

Continue checking in for more Ebola humor stories and memes.

This post is for entertainment purposes only. It contains humor that may only be understood by some healthcare professionals. Read at your own risk.

Ebola Virus Joins Medicare List of 30 Day Readmission Penalties.

Washington, DC - The Centers For Medicare and Medicaid Services (CMS) announced new payment guidelines for treatment of Ebola hemorrhagic fever. Starting August 1st, 2014, Ebola virus disease, or ICD-10 A98.4 for short, has been added to the list of diagnoses with 30 day readmission penalties.

"Most Ebola patients will die within 30 days. If they survive, we want to make sure CMS isn't stuck holding the bag," said Jane Fragbleff, Head of Operating Margins at Medicare.

Section 3025 of the Affordable Care Act, known by the street name Obamacare, requires CMS to reduce payments to hospitals with excess readmission rates after October 1st, 2012. The addition of Ebola virus disease joins COPD and THA/TKA as new additions to the program for fiscal year 2015.

Jim, a 72 year-old midwestern redneck, believes the policy is aimed at eliminating old people. "Hell, if I ever get Ebola, I'm stayin' 30 days in the hospital. Ain't no govment takin' 'way my last breath.

In addition, medical facilities caring for patients with hospital acquired Ebola virus will no longer get reimbursed for any additional resources, including double gowning and double gloving, required for isolatation and observation.

"Starting this month, Medicare considers hospital acquired Ebola infection a never event, as in we will never pay", said Plegm Bagdon, a CMS official who wished to remain anonymous as he was not intelligent enough to talk in public.

In one small victory for hospitals, Ebola virus is now a major complicating or comorbid condition (MCC). CMS will pay an additional $5 per hospital stay when Ebola virus is listed as an MCC. This change will allow hospitals to divert additional funds away from philanthropic efforts to keep up with rising car payments for administrators.

"What if I told you Ebola has an ICD-10 code."

What if i told you ebola has an ICD-10 code photohumor meme.

Ebola Patient at Emory University Denied Inpatient Status By Insurance.

Atlanta, GA - UnitedHealthCares (UHC) of Dekalb County has informed hospital officials at Emory University that Ebola patient Dr. Kent Brantley does not meet inpatient criteria. UHC's commission based claims reviewer, Sven Tweeny, CNA, has recommended 24 hours of observation care instead. "If we paid inpatient for every viral syndrome, we'd run out of money before New Year's Eve."

Attending physician Dr. Frank Johnstick was informed of the decision during a physician-to-CNA courtesy briefing. "That doesn't surprise me. We've been battling Dekalb United CNAs for years."

Ebola virus causes Ebola hemorrhagic fever, an often fatal disease. Despite the high risk of complications associated with this deadly infection, there are no treatment options available.

Say's Dr. Johnstick, "His creatinine jumped from one to six overnight, but he's still making urine so they ain't budging on obs[ervation]. And his hemoglobin dropped seven grams in less than 24 hours. You'd think that would get him inpatient, right? Nope. It just gave me mangina."

Utilization review expert Fran Lotran agreed with UnitedHealthCares' decision. "That patient traveled thousands of miles to be isolated and observed. If those people want inpatient, they're going to have to cut something off above the wrist or knee, create a life threatening medical error or order every four hour neuro checks and blood cultures."

Shortly after the decision to deny inpatient status, Dr. Brantley's wife was seen frantically booking an airline flight back home to pick up her husband's prescription strength Allegra and Prilosec. Hospital officials informed Dr. and Mrs. Brantley that a one week supply of home medications not covered by UHC and provided by the hospital under observation status would cost $12,000.

Shortly after this discussion, Dr.Brantley was diagnosed with a heart attack and approved for another 24 hours of observation by UnitedHealthCares of Dekalb County.

"One does not simply observe Ebola."

One does not simply observe Ebola humor meme

(This news is fake and is meant for entertainment purposes only. In case you couldn't tell.)

Atlanta, GA - The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) is reporting two American aid workers who contracted Ebola hemorrhagic fever while treating others in West Africa have started responding to treatment with antibiotics.

"Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine Ebola would respond to antibiotics," Dr. Feldor Baldink, a public health physician with the CDC, said in a statement Sunday.

Dr. Kent Brantley and Nancy Writebol were flown urgently back to the United States and transferred to Emory University, one of just a handful of American medical centers that are specially equipped to do nothing for patients infected with Ebola virus. Frank Kilmore, Emory's Infection Control Officer, said, "When I first heard about these poor Ebola patients, I searched our basement and found several extra boxes of yellow isolation gowns. I have instructed all medical and nursing students, the only team members given access to the patient, to double gown, double glove and double mask whenever they enter the isolation zone."

With both victims isolated and staff members protected, doctors at the CDC worked
around-the-clock searching Google for homeopathic and alternative medicine therapies. A conference call with Dr. Oz provided some insight into potential treatment options. "I believe a combination of pulsed electromagnetic field therapy and high dose colon cleanse with my proprietary formula should be implemented immediately," said Dr. Oz.

After both therapies failed, the CDC reached out to Atlanta pediatrician Dr. John Hardystrom for answers. "For years I've been telling my parents that antibiotics don't work on viruses. And for years my parents have been telling me they they don't care what I think. So I finally said, 'The heck with it all. Antibiotics for everyone! One of these days a virus will mutate and respond to antibiotics.'"

After careless consideration, Dr. Baldink and his team implemented shotgun therapy with Levaquin, Zosyn, Vancopime, Flagyl, and Gorillacillin. Much to their surprise, both Ebola virus victims have shown dramatic improvement in their symptoms with antibiotics and time.

"I don't always treat patients with Ebola virus. But when I do, I look it up on Google."

I don't always treat patients with Ebola virus, ,but when I do I look it up on Google photo meme humor photo

HEALTH FOR ALL

Pages

Fibromyalgia Allergy List Crashes EMR at Local Hospital

Hospital Matches Personality Disorders of Patients With Medical Staff.

EHR Updates During Busiest Time of Day Preferred By Hospital Doctors.

Hospital Emergency Department Testing Drones To Deliver Bad News.

Foreign Bodies Left in the OR. Major US Hospital Shut Down.

Ebola Virus Humor Memes and Stories.

Ebola Virus Joins Medicare List of 30 Day Readmission Penalties.

Ebola Patient at Emory University Denied Inpatient Status By Insurance.

Orthopedic Surgeon With Ebola Estimates Own Blood Loss at 5 RBCs

Ebola Virus Mutates On Entry Into United States. Responds To Antibiotics

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