Dallas, Texas - Saint James Medical Center began triaging patients last week using exact match personality disorder testing. In preparation for this groundbreaking process, all doctors, nurses and other hospital employees completed mandatory personality disorder questionnaires several months prior.
"We had narcissistic doctors telling antisocial drug seekers 'Dilaudid is not the right drug for you.' The borderline nurses were walking past paranoid schizo rooms whispering 'We're here to help you.' It was ridiculous," said, Frank Duschbaugh, Director of Patient Satisfaction at Saint James Medical Center.
A recent study published in The Journal of Emergency Room Psychiatry confirmed an 87% improvement in satisfaction scores when patients were cared for by people of similar dysfunction.
"Doctors and nurses are just like their patients," said third year medical student and lead author, Jim Dasher. "When personality disorders of the patient most matched those of their doctors and nurses, everyone was happier. This was true across all levels of craziness."
Mr Duschbaugh gave several examples of how this new policy was already improving hospital satisfaction scores. "We have one frequent flyer who treats our staff terrible. We assigned Dr Fleck, our most hated doctor, for his last admission. We were shocked to get a from-the-heart thank-you letter from the patient several weeks later!"
Lonnie Flem, voted nurse-most-likely-to-cry three years in a row, also found solace with the new policy. "After caring for a 19 year old wrist cutter known for muttering 'I mean it this time' during her biweekly social visit to the ER, both Lonnie and our patient reported a dramatic rise in self worth after caring for each other in the hospital," said Mr Duschbaugh. "They've even become good Facebook friends."
The new policy has not been without difficulty. "We were not prepared for the number of patients with more than three personality disorders." said Mr Duschbaugh. Hospital officials are actively recruiting like-minded doctors and nurses. They indicate an endless stream of potential candidates have applied.
"Prepare yourself. Personality disorder in triage!"
"What if I told you doctors and nurses are crazy like you."
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"We had narcissistic doctors telling antisocial drug seekers 'Dilaudid is not the right drug for you.' The borderline nurses were walking past paranoid schizo rooms whispering 'We're here to help you.' It was ridiculous," said, Frank Duschbaugh, Director of Patient Satisfaction at Saint James Medical Center.
A recent study published in The Journal of Emergency Room Psychiatry confirmed an 87% improvement in satisfaction scores when patients were cared for by people of similar dysfunction.
"Doctors and nurses are just like their patients," said third year medical student and lead author, Jim Dasher. "When personality disorders of the patient most matched those of their doctors and nurses, everyone was happier. This was true across all levels of craziness."
Mr Duschbaugh gave several examples of how this new policy was already improving hospital satisfaction scores. "We have one frequent flyer who treats our staff terrible. We assigned Dr Fleck, our most hated doctor, for his last admission. We were shocked to get a from-the-heart thank-you letter from the patient several weeks later!"
Lonnie Flem, voted nurse-most-likely-to-cry three years in a row, also found solace with the new policy. "After caring for a 19 year old wrist cutter known for muttering 'I mean it this time' during her biweekly social visit to the ER, both Lonnie and our patient reported a dramatic rise in self worth after caring for each other in the hospital," said Mr Duschbaugh. "They've even become good Facebook friends."The new policy has not been without difficulty. "We were not prepared for the number of patients with more than three personality disorders." said Mr Duschbaugh. Hospital officials are actively recruiting like-minded doctors and nurses. They indicate an endless stream of potential candidates have applied.
"Prepare yourself. Personality disorder in triage!"
"What if I told you doctors and nurses are crazy like you."
Tweet
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