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Hospital Emergency Department Testing Drones To Deliver Bad News.

Newport, Connecticut - Trendy Hospital in Newport Connecticut is the first medical center in the United States to implement a drone program for delivering bad news in the emergency department.

Frank Gilmore, Chief Technical Drone Operator at Trendy Hospital, says "Our beta testing results are through the roof."

Drone is slang for an unmanned aerial vehicle. Their use has rapidly expanded into many facets of everyday life. At Trendy Hospital, drone use is currently limited to the delivery of bad news. "We don't want our patients associating bad news with any single physician. The risk of bad patient satisfactions scores is just too great," said Dick Janick, Chief Survey Operator at Trendy Hospital.

The drone shift has rapidly escalated into the most popular shift for Emergency Medicine physicians at Trendy. "I hate my job, except for the drone shift. I'll show up an hour early just to hang out with Denny [the Drone]," says Dr Lisa Bleckman, a cynical physician with 22 years experience.

In addition, Dr Bleckman said, "Denny told five patients in one day they weren't getting any Dilaudid. He got yelled at and swung at and nearly crashed. So I taught him to drop f-bombs as a way to defend himself."

A recent ruling by The Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services (CMS) allows drones to practice medicine without a license, as long as a board certified physician, licensed by the newly formed Federal Aviation Medicare Services (FAMS), is operating them. The fee starts at $1,000 a year for the smallest drones, rising rapidly to $12,000 a year for drones with IV starting capabilities in ED patients who say they want a PICC line to draw blood because they don't have any veins.

Ben Fledman, CEO of National Hospital Compliance (NHC) , worries about the risk of drone compliance in the hospital. "We recently formed a wholly owned subsidiary of NHC called DroneMD to help hospitals navigate the rapidly expanding hospital drone market. For example, Nurse Practitioners and Physician Assistants have not been given drone license privileges. Do you know the penalties if they get caught using them? DroneMD knows."

Trendy Hospital plans to roll out drone use to hospital wards in the next year to assist hospitalists with being in two places at once.

Foreign Bodies Left in the OR. Major US Hospital Shut Down.

Baltimore, MD - The Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services (CMS) announced the closing yesterday of world famous Johns Hopkins University Hospital after three foreign bodies* were left in the operating room on the same day.

"I've been in the O.R. business for 20 years and I've never seen three foreign bodies left in the O.R. on the same day," said Amy Blamer, a random a surgical technologist from Kansas with 23 years experience who was interviewed for this story.

On August 9th, 2014, a whistleblower notified CMS that that Dupang Mahepedra, Xiarp Xoxoxo, and Tariq Mohammad all died in the operating room. All three patients were MARTI translators on their way to language cross training classes when their van was struck in a Walmart parking lot by a man on a power wheelchair.

World class surgeons worked for 10 hours to try and save these fine men from their life threatening injuries. Unfortunately, all three men passed away on the table.

Early reports indicate surgeons Dan Strong and Phil Braisen ripped off their scrubs, wiped the sweat off their brow and quietly left the operating suite with their heads down in silence.

"After they left the O.R. crying, I saw them enter the doctor lounge for a Turkey sandwich. The nerve of them," said a housekeeper who agreed to speak anonymously for fear of losing her job.

Jim Ballstick, Head of Operating Room Privileges at CMS, was mortified. "To have a surgeon leave three foreign bodies in the O.R. on the same day mandates corrective action immediately," he said, while drinking coffee and searching Ticketmaster for front row seats to Bon Jovi in Baltimore next week.

"I take my job seriously and literally. I hope those surgeons know leaving three foreign bodies in the OR is not acceptable." As a result of this CMS investigation, The Joint Commission is investigating this investigation to determine if they need to investigate something. Anything.

Early reports indicated Johns Hopkins is working aggressively on a new marketing campaign aimed at smoothing over relations with the local foreign community.

"Leaving a foreign body in the O.R.? Aint nobody got time for that!"

* The term foreign bodies is slang for leaving unintended objects in the body after surgery is complete and is considered a never event. A recent CMS guideline published in document ME4598 mandates literal interpretation of this rule.

Ebola Virus Humor Memes and Stories.

I know it's hard to imagine that something as awful as Ebola virus could be funny. Well, it's true. The Happy Hospitalist has created a collection of mostly original Ebola humor content that can't be found anywhere else on the internet, except on Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest. This humor is not meant to make light of the devastating disease and morbidity this virus has brought upon hundreds of West African natives and a couple of white Americans. That pain and suffering is fully understood and appreciated.

We're all in this together, except for those in isolation. They're in it alone. Let's not hemorrhage our self respect and flame others for making light of such a terrible situation. If you don't find this kind of sick, dark humor enjoyable, I ask that you please stop reading now and go here instead. For those of you looking for some good ol' fashioned humor, I present to you The Happy Hospitalist Ebola Humor Meme and Story Collection!

"One does not simply observe Ebola."

One does not simply observe Ebola humor meme photo

"What if I told you Ebola has an ICD-10 code."

"Orthopedic Surgeon operates on Ebola patient. Estimates blood loss at only 5 RBCs."

"I don't always treat patient with Ebola. But when I do, I look it up on Google."

I don'tt always treat patients with Ebola virus, ,but when I do I look it up on Google humor meme photo.

"Prepare yourself. Ebola has gone viral!"

"Who to blame when you get Ebola: A CDC guide for healthcare workers."

"Ebola should not be quarantined in a community hospital. Hello? Ever heard of C. diff? MRSA? VRE?"

"Facebook changes relationship status update to Ebola status update."

Facebook Humor:

A Fox News study reported today has confirmed that most Americans blame Obamacare for the Ebola virus. The New York Times was unable to replicate the study.
Ebola vaccine at least 50 white people away -- The Onion
Should you be worried about Ebola? A helpful chart.
In response to a Texas hospital's healthcare worker testing positive for Ebola, the CDC has added "hold your breath as long as you can" and "close your eyes real tight" to the list of recommended Ebola isolation policies and procedures.
Heard tonight on Extra that John Travolta has signed on to star in a new movie about a middle-aged dancer in Liberia struggling to pay the bills. It's Called Saturday Night Ebola Fever.
In breaking news, a hospital in Dallas initiated strict Ebola isolation measures, just to be sure, in an 89 year-old demented bed bound nursing home patient with fever, pneumonia, UTI and a stage 4 decubitus ulcer after they were unable to verify her travel history.
And in breaking news, Texas Governor Rick Perry is claiming their Ebola virus is bigger.
California announced a ban on Ebola today and said they would be requiring all products sold in California to be labeled 'Ebola free'.

Continue checking in for more Ebola humor stories and memes.

This post is for entertainment purposes only. It contains humor that may only be understood by some healthcare professionals. Read at your own risk.

Ebola Virus Joins Medicare List of 30 Day Readmission Penalties.

Washington, DC - The Centers For Medicare and Medicaid Services (CMS) announced new payment guidelines for treatment of Ebola hemorrhagic fever. Starting August 1st, 2014, Ebola virus disease, or ICD-10 A98.4 for short, has been added to the list of diagnoses with 30 day readmission penalties.

"Most Ebola patients will die within 30 days. If they survive, we want to make sure CMS isn't stuck holding the bag," said Jane Fragbleff, Head of Operating Margins at Medicare.

Section 3025 of the Affordable Care Act, known by the street name Obamacare, requires CMS to reduce payments to hospitals with excess readmission rates after October 1st, 2012. The addition of Ebola virus disease joins COPD and THA/TKA as new additions to the program for fiscal year 2015.

Jim, a 72 year-old midwestern redneck, believes the policy is aimed at eliminating old people. "Hell, if I ever get Ebola, I'm stayin' 30 days in the hospital. Ain't no govment takin' 'way my last breath.

In addition, medical facilities caring for patients with hospital acquired Ebola virus will no longer get reimbursed for any additional resources, including double gowning and double gloving, required for isolatation and observation.

"Starting this month, Medicare considers hospital acquired Ebola infection a never event, as in we will never pay", said Plegm Bagdon, a CMS official who wished to remain anonymous as he was not intelligent enough to talk in public.

In one small victory for hospitals, Ebola virus is now a major complicating or comorbid condition (MCC). CMS will pay an additional $5 per hospital stay when Ebola virus is listed as an MCC. This change will allow hospitals to divert additional funds away from philanthropic efforts to keep up with rising car payments for administrators.

"What if I told you Ebola has an ICD-10 code."

What if i told you ebola has an ICD-10 code photohumor meme.

Ebola Patient at Emory University Denied Inpatient Status By Insurance.

Atlanta, GA - UnitedHealthCares (UHC) of Dekalb County has informed hospital officials at Emory University that Ebola patient Dr. Kent Brantley does not meet inpatient criteria. UHC's commission based claims reviewer, Sven Tweeny, CNA, has recommended 24 hours of observation care instead. "If we paid inpatient for every viral syndrome, we'd run out of money before New Year's Eve."

Attending physician Dr. Frank Johnstick was informed of the decision during a physician-to-CNA courtesy briefing. "That doesn't surprise me. We've been battling Dekalb United CNAs for years."

Ebola virus causes Ebola hemorrhagic fever, an often fatal disease. Despite the high risk of complications associated with this deadly infection, there are no treatment options available.

Say's Dr. Johnstick, "His creatinine jumped from one to six overnight, but he's still making urine so they ain't budging on obs[ervation]. And his hemoglobin dropped seven grams in less than 24 hours. You'd think that would get him inpatient, right? Nope. It just gave me mangina."

Utilization review expert Fran Lotran agreed with UnitedHealthCares' decision. "That patient traveled thousands of miles to be isolated and observed. If those people want inpatient, they're going to have to cut something off above the wrist or knee, create a life threatening medical error or order every four hour neuro checks and blood cultures."

Shortly after the decision to deny inpatient status, Dr. Brantley's wife was seen frantically booking an airline flight back home to pick up her husband's prescription strength Allegra and Prilosec. Hospital officials informed Dr. and Mrs. Brantley that a one week supply of home medications not covered by UHC and provided by the hospital under observation status would cost $12,000.

Shortly after this discussion, Dr.Brantley was diagnosed with a heart attack and approved for another 24 hours of observation by UnitedHealthCares of Dekalb County.

"One does not simply observe Ebola."

One does not simply observe Ebola humor meme

(This news is fake and is meant for entertainment purposes only. In case you couldn't tell.)

Orthopedic Surgeon With Ebola Estimates Own Blood Loss at 5 RBCs

SIERRA LEONE - Orthopedic Surgeon Dr Stan Bostek is in critical condition after contracting the deadly Ebola virus while providing mission work in West Africa.

Dr. Bostek was traveling with Doctors Against Hammertoes, an international organization of orthopedic surgeons who risk their lives to travel the world tax free and provide life saving hammertoe surgery for local residents.

I can confirm I have Ebola, but I'm not worried," said Dr Bostek, a Harvard graduate.

Dr. Hans Fenceworth, an internist hired by the team of surgeons to provide accurate documentation, disagreed. "I think the only reason Stan isn't worried is because I said I was. Surgeons instinctively must disagree with the internist or they will lose status within their clan."

Dr. Fenceworth, who finished first in his medical school class, performed a history and physical examination on Dr. Bostek and concluded that massive internal hemorrhage, bleeding from every orifice and rapidly deteriorating vital signs were all obviously present.

Instead of heeding the advice of Dr. Fenceworth and agreeing to urgent transport back to the United States, Dr Bostek decided to wait it out.

"I did my own H&P and found nothing seriously wrong, except for my 'heart issues', which I clearly documented. By my own estimation, I have only lost five red blood cells due to bleeding. And honestly, I think that was dilutional."

"Orthopedic Surgeon operates on Ebola patient. Estimates blood loss at only 5 RBCs."

ORTHOPEDIC SURGEON OPERATES ON EBOLA PATIENT. ESTIMATES BLOOD LOSS AT ONLY 5 RBCS ecard humor meme photo.

Ebola Virus Mutates On Entry Into United States. Responds To Antibiotics

Atlanta, GA - The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) is reporting two American aid workers who contracted Ebola hemorrhagic fever while treating others in West Africa have started responding to treatment with antibiotics.

"Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine Ebola would respond to antibiotics," Dr. Feldor Baldink, a public health physician with the CDC, said in a statement Sunday.

Dr. Kent Brantley and Nancy Writebol were flown urgently back to the United States and transferred to Emory University, one of just a handful of American medical centers that are specially equipped to do nothing for patients infected with Ebola virus. Frank Kilmore, Emory's Infection Control Officer, said, "When I first heard about these poor Ebola patients, I searched our basement and found several extra boxes of yellow isolation gowns. I have instructed all medical and nursing students, the only team members given access to the patient, to double gown, double glove and double mask whenever they enter the isolation zone."

With both victims isolated and staff members protected, doctors at the CDC worked
around-the-clock searching Google for homeopathic and alternative medicine therapies. A conference call with Dr. Oz provided some insight into potential treatment options. "I believe a combination of pulsed electromagnetic field therapy and high dose colon cleanse with my proprietary formula should be implemented immediately," said Dr. Oz.

After both therapies failed, the CDC reached out to Atlanta pediatrician Dr. John Hardystrom for answers. "For years I've been telling my parents that antibiotics don't work on viruses. And for years my parents have been telling me they they don't care what I think. So I finally said, 'The heck with it all. Antibiotics for everyone! One of these days a virus will mutate and respond to antibiotics.'"

After careless consideration, Dr. Baldink and his team implemented shotgun therapy with Levaquin, Zosyn, Vancopime, Flagyl, and Gorillacillin. Much to their surprise, both Ebola virus victims have shown dramatic improvement in their symptoms with antibiotics and time.

"I don't always treat patients with Ebola virus. But when I do, I look it up on Google."

I don't always treat patients with Ebola virus, ,but when I do I look it up on Google photo meme humor photo

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