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Thanksgiving Meme Humor Collection

Enjoy this fine collection of Thanksgiving Day humor meme's you won't find anywhere else except on The Happy Hospitalist's Facebook Page, Pinterest and Twitter accounts. Make sure to join today and never miss another day of the humor action again! And don't forget to check out the hospital that closed for the entire Thanksgiving weekend!

"Today we are thankful for Ativan. Oh yeah, and Haldol too."

Today we are thankful for Ativan. Oh yeah, and Haldol too medical humor meme photo.

"Prepare yourself. Understaffed hospital coming!"

"Oh, so you gained 15 pounds of fluid after Thanksgiving? Tell me more about how my dialysis orders are all wrong."

"Prepare yourself. Pureed turkey and stuffing is coming!"

"Prepare yourself! Holiday admits are coming!"

"What if I told you Thanksgiving was a fowl holiday?"

"I don't always celebrate Thanksgiving, but when I do I drink Wild Turkey!"

Hospital Closes for Thanksgiving Weekend. Doctors and Nurses Rejoice!

Denver, CO -- The parking lot was empty at Piedmont Hospital today after security locked the doors, turned off the lights and erected 'No Smoking or Trespassing' signs throughout the campus. Administrators made good on their promise to close the hospital for the extended Thanksgiving holiday weekend allowing all doctors and nurses a rare vacation at home with their families, a strategy in direct competition with Black Friday Hospital Deals.

The idea was born after Nurse Jenny, a new graduate who was upset nobody ever told her before she went to nursing school that she'd have to work most holidays for the rest of her life, half-heartedly put the idea in the Suggestion Box last year.

"The suggestion box is a joke. I was shocked when Jenny's idea became a law. Every year I ask for a raise, better staffing and a Hoyer lift that can handle more than 400 pounds and I get nothing. But Jenny gets us a four day holiday weekend on her first try?" said a veteran nurse who hasn't seen a suggestion implemented from the box since 1986's idea to not have to stand up when a doctor entered the room.

The 400-bed level one trauma center became the first hospital in the country to trial the four day Thanksgiving holiday closure. Preparations began last week when the emergency department went on diversion for all ambulances and walk-ins.

"Whenever an ambulance would call requesting transport to our ER, we'd tell them all our doctors were tied up with mandatory Ebola training exercises and they would have to divert to another hospital. We just couldn't risk having a train wreck traveling by ambulance to an LTAC unit from another hospital divert to our hospital en route and trash our plans to shut down," said Johnny Flemming, an ER doctor who plans to read Gomerblog nonstop during his 4 day holiday weekend.

To prevent any potential walk-ins from getting admitted in the last week, an EMTALA compliant screening exam was provided in triage. Over 98% of the patients were determined to have non-urgent conditions and referred to an urgent care center. The other 2% were evaluated by the ER doctor but diverted to another hospital because the Hospitalists had implemented a one patient per day admission cap for the week leading up to the holiday weekend and the ER had no way of verifying if one patient had already been admitted.

By capping admissions at one patient per day, Hospitalists did their part to ensure hospital beds were emptied by Thanksgiving Day. "A week ago I was rounding on 25 patients a day. Yesterday I rounded on one patient and that's just because the social worker had already left for the day and the patient didn't want to go home because he couldn't find his shoes and nobody knew what to do, " said Heather Valentine, a Hospitalist, who plans to make Oreo turkey cookies from a picture she found on Pinterest yesterday.

ICU cleared out with patient-family-centric policy

The intensive care unit, normally filled with chronically debilitated patients who are alive, but not really, was emptied and closed down two days before Thanksgiving by implementing a patient-centric-family-centric-extended-family-centric-non-english-speaking-centric-non-nurse-centric-no-wrist-restrain policy. Starting last week, all ICU patients had their wrist restraints removed in favor of bedside-family-talk-down therapy for any agitation and confusion. All sedatives were added to the list of medications in critically short supply and restricted to end-of-life patients only. Miraculously, patient after patient self-extubated and were determined to be end-of-life, filled with compassionate Ativan and died peacefully in their ICU bed.

"It was the most glorious week of celestial discharges ever," said Dr. Valentine, who usually wins ICU BINGO at least twice a month.

Some hospital administrators wondered how Piedmont hospital could afford to shut down for four days, but an internal memo provided to The Happy Hospitalist suggests hospital CFO Blake Banner is projecting a 30% labor cost advantage over the next 10 years by closing during Black Friday sales.

"The more indebted our employees become, the more insecure they are about leaving their jobs. That will allow us lower annual cost of living adjustments, fewer bonuses and a larger mix of crappy benefits over time. If this closure is successful, I recommend a trial of Christmas and Columbus Day closures to take advantage of retail sales events during those times as well."

Ferguson Missouri County Hospital Looted. Facebook Likes Explode.

Ferguson, MO -- Violence and looting brought chaos to Ferguson, Missouri yesterday after a grand jury decision not to indict a white police officer involved in the death of Michael Brown, an unarmed black teenager who died earlier this year. Ferguson County Hospital was spared no relief as rioters stormed the hospital hoping to loot anything they could get their hands on.

But ransackers were disappointed to find the county hospital had nothing to take. "We're a county hospital. We don't have anything to steal,'" said James Valentine, Vice President of Public Relations at the hospital.

Ferguson County Hospital, a state-of-the-art 200 bed hospital back in 1942, now survives on the goodwill of volunteer doctors, nurses and local charities for medical supplies.

"Our crumbling hospital was last updated in 1967 since the county has spent all their money rebuilding Ferguson after the riots of 1972, 1979, 1986, 1994, 2002, and 2014. And today the county is cutting our budget by 30% to pay for future anticipated riots."

Several dozen well known alcoholics used the upheaval as an opportunity to storm the ER in search of a narkey [narcotics and a turkey sandwich], but were disappointed when all they found were crates filled with expired Tylenol, Prilosec and Miralax donated by doctors who cleaned out their offices.

James urged looting protesters to receive notifications on future supply shipments by liking the Ferguson County Hospital Facebook Page. "If there is one good thing that has come from these riots, it's that our Facebook page went from 2,000 to 200,000 likes in just a couple days."

"One or two more riots likes this and I'm hoping we can get to a million likes on our Facebook page. That would look pretty good on my resume."

Orthopedic Surgeon Excited To Complete Fellowship in Left Pinky.

St Louis, MO -- Dr. James Bender is proud to call St. Louis home after 12 grueling years of training to become just one of five orthopedic surgeons nationwide super super subspecialized in the left pinky finger. Redding Orthopedics, the largest multispecialty orthopedic practice in Missouri, hired Dr. Bender last month to be the group's go-to-guy for left pinky pathology. He joins other highly specialized orthopedists in the group, including one spine surgeon who will only operate on L3 and a wrist surgeon who will only tackle injuries of the right Positions* bone

To become a super, super subspecialist, Dr. Bender had to complete four years of medical school, a five year orthopedic residency, a one year hand fellowship, a one year bilateral pinky fellowship and a one year left pinky fellowship. After 12 years of clinical training, he joins just four other distinguished colleagues on the American Academy of Left Pinky Orthopedic Surgeons.

"I thought about doing another one year fellowship on the distal phalange of the left pinky but I was finally ready to make a difference in people's lives between 8 a.m. and 4:30 p.m. on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays that don't fall on a holiday," said Dr Bender,who was later shocked to learn he would still have to take general ortho call for his group at four different hospitals.

"I intentionally super, super subspecialized myself into outpatient orthopedics, but my group made made me take all general ortho and trauma call day and night for the next two years, I don't even remember the bones of the hip anymore."

Hospitalists and ER doctors were livid at Redding Orthopedics. "That group has been pulling this crap for years. Whenever we call Dr. Bender, he says 'I don't do anything but the left pinky' and hangs up, So we end up calling the hospitalist and tell them there's an admit for delirium that happens to have a broken hip," said Dr Phil Fedder, an ER doctor who's greatest achievement so far has been to work an entire day without being cynical.

Very few hospital staff have ever met Dr. Bender . "I thought for sure I'd get to meet him last week when I had a man with hairline fracture of his right pinky come in by ambulance, but Dr. Bender made sure to let me know he only operates on the left pinky," said Dr Fedder.

* Mnemonic for wrist bones: Some Lovers Try Positions They Can't Handle.

People with Disabilities and the ACA

The Affordable Care Act (ACA) is making health insurance coverage more affordable and accessible for millions of Americans. With the passage of this law, individuals and families have more control over their care – especially individuals with disabilities. The ACA provides people with disabilities a basic protection – they can no longer be denied access to health insurance simply because of their health history.

Under the ACA, individuals like myself can no longer be denied health care because of a pre-existing condition. This is significant for the up to 129 million non-elderly Americans living with some type of pre-existing health condition such as asthma or diabetes, including 17.6 million children.

We have come a long way over the past year. All combined, in just one year, we’ve reduced the number of uninsured adults by 26%. Additionally, 76 million Americans with private health insurance are getting preventive services such as vaccines, cancer screenings, and yearly wellness visits for free. Finally, more than 7 million Americans are enrolled in the Marketplace and more than 8 million additional individuals are enrolled in Medicaid and CHIP, compared to last fall.

We have much to celebrate but there is work to be done. November 15 marks the beginning of the second enrollment period, which will run until February 15. The Administration is committed to ensuring that all Americans have access to coverage. The open enrollment period is a time for Americans already enrolled to re-enroll. It is also a chance for those without coverage to enroll for the first time.

Take a few minutes to watch Joey talk about what the ACA has meant for him and millions of others:

To learn more about getting covered, please visit HealthCare.gov.

By Taryn Williams
Associate Director of the White House Office of Public Engagement.

Posted with permission from The White House Blog

Mayo Clinic Sued By Hellmann's Maker For False Advertising.

Rochester, MN -- Mayo Clinic was sued Monday by a Unilever, the maker of Hellmann's mayonnaise, claiming the hospital's actual brick and mortar is not made of egg and oil, an FDA requirement since 1957 for any product that wants to call itself mayonnaise. The lawsuit comes less than a week after the multinational behemoth sued Just Mayo -- a small San Francisco start-up with a vegan alternative to mayonnaise -- for using mayo in their name despite not having the required egg and oil mixture.

Unilever, which claims consumers equate mayo to mayonnaise, is asking Mayo Clinic to add a required egg and oil mixture to all structural components of their campus buildings worldwide or change their name to Not Mayo Clinic.

"The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has very specific requirements for any product calling itself mayonnaise. We are simply asking Mayo Clinic to comply with the law," said Hans Grubble, Head of Unilever's Cease and Desist Orders Division.

Mayo Clinic CEO Dr. John Noseworthy responded to the lawsuit with an offer for free medical care for Unilever representatives involved with the lawsuit. "Anyone who thinks Mayo clinic is Mayonnaise clinic needs to be evaluated. We are offering a free head-to-toe neurological exam for the entire Unilever management team with the best neurologists in the world," said Dr. Noseworthy, who ironically prefers the smell of mustard over mayo for his sandwiches.

Mayo Clinic sued for false advertising

Patient advocacy groups applauded Unilever's action as a step in the right direction for truth in advertisement. One internet website forum claims to have thousands of comments from disgruntled Mayo Clinic patients who say they were not offered real mayonnaise while hospitalized for their unusual symptom complex that always turns out to be psychiatric in nature.

"I could tell my turkey sandwich did not have real mayonnaise when I didn't get severe throat swelling and rash after eating it," said one Mayo Clinic patient who posted her list of 42 other allergies, including the color red and bright lights, on the forum page as proof of her rare affinity for strange allergies.

Dr. Noseworthy defended Mayo Clinic's use of fake mayo as a patient safety issue. "We understand patients may believe they are getting real mayo in their sandwiches when they come here because of our name, but we have studied the issue for years. Our patients have a much higher rate listing life threatening allergies to mayo and our fake mayo policy is a Joint Commission mandate implemented after a rash of real mayo related pseudoseizures and 'just in case intubations' we experienced in the 1990's.

Small Businesses in Illinois Lack Knowledge of What the ACA Has to Offer Them

With Illinois granted early access to the Small Business Health Options Program exchange, or SHOP, small businesses in the state already have the opportunity to familiarize themselves with a new online resource for purchasing health insurance for their employees.

For those that qualify, purchasing health insurance through the SHOP exchange can represent a smart business decision. They can receive tax credits covering up to 50% of their contribution to employee premiums, plus the SHOP allows small businesses to combine their purchasing with other small businesses to keep costs low.

The healthcare law does not require small businesses with fewer than 50 full-time equivalent employees to provide health insurance. Because 94% of businesses in Illinois employ fewer than 50 people, a large majority are exempt from offering health insurance.

The SHOP was meant to minimize the number of people left out of health reform by helping small businesses provide health insurance anyway, with tax credits and collaborative purchasing power incentivizing this option by keeping costs lower.

But to what extent are small businesses taking advantage of the SHOP? Health & Disability Advocates and Crain’s Chicago Business teamed up to find out and conducted a survey of small business owners. The results are documented in a recently released report from Health & Disability Advocates and an article in Crain's Chicago Business.

The survey found that small businesses are not using the SHOP to purchase health insurance and are largely uninformed about it:

Fewer than 18% of small business owners said they had learned “a lot” or a “a great deal” about the SHOP.
Only 11% took advantage of the small business healthcare tax credit.
And finally, 31% of small businesses surveyed said they did not know whether they were receiving the small business healthcare tax credit.

These findings mirror national trends. In a national survey by the National Small Business Association, 8% of small business owners reported they would use the SHOP to buy health insurance. Similar figures from the Kaiser Family Foundation were cited in a recent blog post at The New York Times.

Small businesses would gain from outreach and education on benefits of the SHOP and how to use this resource. Informing the business owners about the SHOP would equip them with information that they could use to enroll their employees in health insurance, an important benefit that helps in retaining and attracting workers.

Since small businesses overwhelmingly rely on brokers when purchasing insurance, the broker community could be a resource in outreach and education efforts. Indeed, brokers are increasingly viewed as vital partners in healthcare outreach and enrollment efforts. For example, during the first enrollment period they played a key role in the famously successful effort in Kentucky. Partnering with brokers to conduct outreach can help increase the numbers of small businesses that offer health insurance – and the number of individuals enrolled in healthcare.

The bottom line is that small businesses in Illinois are not aware of the Small Business Health Options Program, the tax credits available to them, or other ACA provisions that could benefit them. For us to effectively reach these important job creators and help them take advantage of these provisions, we must engage the broker community to provide this new outreach and education to their existing clients.

Bryce Marable, MSW
Policy Analyst
Health & Disability Advocates

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