North Pole -- Santa Claus canceled his annual Christmas Eve visit to the United States to avoid strict new Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) regulations that would have required him to trim his beard to less than two inches. Earlier this year, OSHA passed regulation 29.63.23 requiring all humans passing through a chimney in the course of normal work duties to keep their facial hair less than 2 inches long. Failure to comply would result in a $10,000 fine per incident.
Advocates claim bearded chimney accidents result in tens of thousands of accidents a year, including facial burns, traumatic falls and soot mouth, a rare but fatal condition for workers in the chimney industry.
Will Ferrell, Director of North Pole Operations, confirmed today Santa has canceled all home visits to children in the United States on Christmas Eve. "Leave it to OSHA to ruin everyone's day. What's next? No food or drink at the nurses station? Give me a break!"
This will be the first year ever Santa has canceled his trip to the United States. Kids in other parts of the world can rejoice in having all those extra gifts handed out on Christmas Eve. One mother in West Africa felt sad for American kids but was thrilled at the prospects for her Ebola stricken neighborhood. "As soon as I heard Santa canceled America, I put in dibs for the Thomas TrackMaster Engine Set and a Dora doll for my kids."
Santa showed little remorse for his decision to cancel America. "This reminds me of the time they tried to make me shampoo my beard after every home visit to prevent the spread of lice. As far as I'm concerned, OSHA can kiss my butt. I've got plenty of business without America."
Santa has never had his beard trimmed, with the exception of of 1983, when an ICU nurse shaved it clean after he was intubated for high altitude sickness. "That was a bad year," said Santa.
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Advocates claim bearded chimney accidents result in tens of thousands of accidents a year, including facial burns, traumatic falls and soot mouth, a rare but fatal condition for workers in the chimney industry.
Will Ferrell, Director of North Pole Operations, confirmed today Santa has canceled all home visits to children in the United States on Christmas Eve. "Leave it to OSHA to ruin everyone's day. What's next? No food or drink at the nurses station? Give me a break!"
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| Santa tells OSHA to get lost! |
Santa showed little remorse for his decision to cancel America. "This reminds me of the time they tried to make me shampoo my beard after every home visit to prevent the spread of lice. As far as I'm concerned, OSHA can kiss my butt. I've got plenty of business without America."
Santa has never had his beard trimmed, with the exception of of 1983, when an ICU nurse shaved it clean after he was intubated for high altitude sickness. "That was a bad year," said Santa.
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