(HNN) The Centers For Medicare & Medicaid Services (CMS) issued a final final ruling on September 20th, 2013 [1969-F] updating fiscal year (FY) 2014 Medicare payment policies and rates under the Orthopedic Implant Tattoo Payment System. Beginning October 1st, 2013, all Medicare beneficiaries can request personalized orthopedic hip, knee and shoulder hardware with a custom engraved message of their choice. This surprising Medicare benefit was discovered by a White House intern last week on page 4,596 of the never before read Accountable Care Act during his daily 9 am to10 am briefing session with the President titled 'Read ObamaCare Out Loud To Me'.
No politician anywhere within 100 miles of Washington, DC had any idea this benefit was available, except one Senator, who slipped in the language after losing a bet with his grandma Coco during Busch and BINGO night at her skilled nursing facility, where she was transferred after a three midnight hospital stay with a final discharge diagnosis of Too Old To Watch CBS.
The AARP was delighted at yet another opportunity to pillage the American taxpayer. CEO Barry Rand responded by saying, "I hope most seniors take advantage of this very important amenity and get three or four new hips with tattoos." As a direct result of this CMS initiative, the AARP immediately began a hip new advertising campaign titled, "Read my hips. No new ex-lax tax".
The National Hospice and Palliative Care organization was slow code to respond, but ultimately released the following statement: "While we do not encourage abusive consumption of healthcare resources, we are thrilled with Medicare's new tattoo policy and recommend all seniors get bilateral artificial hips, knees and shoulders with engraved tattoos describing their advanced directives in detail. Years of research in our palliative care community has confirmed that doctors do not have time to discuss code status. We figure what better way for patients to tell physicians what they want than to tattoo it on one of their joints. There is a 100% chance some physician somewhere will order an unnecessary x-ray of something, sometime and when they do we want our patients' voices to be heard."
CMS was thrilled at the opportunity to pay for yet another worthless and ridiculously expensive non-FDA approved medical device that has no track record and no data to support it, but is medically reasonable and necessary because, well, everything is medically reasonable and necessary. Head CMS administrator Marilyn Tavenner was heard saying, "This new initiative is going to cost a lot. In fact, whatever number we tell you, just plan on doubling or tripling it because we'll all be doing other jobs as consultants for lobbyists by the time anyone realizes how badly we lied to you. "
Orthopedic implant hardware manufacturers had no comment, not because they didn't want to comment, but because nobody was available. All their employees were at an undisclosed island with every last orthopedic surgeon on the face of the earth earning one hour of CME and a one million dollar consultation fee to learn about the latest and greatest proprietary orthopedic tattoo system.
Shortly after this ground breaking announcement, Apple CEO Tim Cook announced they were awarded exclusive engraving services for all orthopedic implant tattoos. Unfortunately, this service would only be available through iTunes. However, Mr Cook explained for only $999, seniors could take a class titled iTunes For Hippies. This class, defined by the FDA as a medical device and therefore valued at just under a thousand dollars instead of free, is a joint operation between Apple and Medicare and will be covered by insurance, because, well, Medicare pays for everything. As the country's leading engraver that also sells electronics, Mr Cook explained, "We are excited about expanding into the senior tattoo market. The FDA recently announced their intentions to monitor all orthopedic implants. We have also been approached by the NSA to secretly engrave all implants with unapproved tracking technology. We believe this opens up a whole new revenue stream for our shareholders."
Even Hallmark got in on the action. CMS awarded them a perpetual lease on rights to a hip new line of get well cards that allow seniors to display their new orthopedic implant tattoos to all their loved ones in a fresh new line of cards titled Funny Fractures LOL. Below is just one example of the future of personalized medicine. It's not about nanotechnology and manipulating genes. It's about orthopedic grade hippy tattoos that make people happy.
No politician anywhere within 100 miles of Washington, DC had any idea this benefit was available, except one Senator, who slipped in the language after losing a bet with his grandma Coco during Busch and BINGO night at her skilled nursing facility, where she was transferred after a three midnight hospital stay with a final discharge diagnosis of Too Old To Watch CBS.
The AARP was delighted at yet another opportunity to pillage the American taxpayer. CEO Barry Rand responded by saying, "I hope most seniors take advantage of this very important amenity and get three or four new hips with tattoos." As a direct result of this CMS initiative, the AARP immediately began a hip new advertising campaign titled, "Read my hips. No new ex-lax tax".
The National Hospice and Palliative Care organization was slow code to respond, but ultimately released the following statement: "While we do not encourage abusive consumption of healthcare resources, we are thrilled with Medicare's new tattoo policy and recommend all seniors get bilateral artificial hips, knees and shoulders with engraved tattoos describing their advanced directives in detail. Years of research in our palliative care community has confirmed that doctors do not have time to discuss code status. We figure what better way for patients to tell physicians what they want than to tattoo it on one of their joints. There is a 100% chance some physician somewhere will order an unnecessary x-ray of something, sometime and when they do we want our patients' voices to be heard."
CMS was thrilled at the opportunity to pay for yet another worthless and ridiculously expensive non-FDA approved medical device that has no track record and no data to support it, but is medically reasonable and necessary because, well, everything is medically reasonable and necessary. Head CMS administrator Marilyn Tavenner was heard saying, "This new initiative is going to cost a lot. In fact, whatever number we tell you, just plan on doubling or tripling it because we'll all be doing other jobs as consultants for lobbyists by the time anyone realizes how badly we lied to you. "
Orthopedic implant hardware manufacturers had no comment, not because they didn't want to comment, but because nobody was available. All their employees were at an undisclosed island with every last orthopedic surgeon on the face of the earth earning one hour of CME and a one million dollar consultation fee to learn about the latest and greatest proprietary orthopedic tattoo system.
Shortly after this ground breaking announcement, Apple CEO Tim Cook announced they were awarded exclusive engraving services for all orthopedic implant tattoos. Unfortunately, this service would only be available through iTunes. However, Mr Cook explained for only $999, seniors could take a class titled iTunes For Hippies. This class, defined by the FDA as a medical device and therefore valued at just under a thousand dollars instead of free, is a joint operation between Apple and Medicare and will be covered by insurance, because, well, Medicare pays for everything. As the country's leading engraver that also sells electronics, Mr Cook explained, "We are excited about expanding into the senior tattoo market. The FDA recently announced their intentions to monitor all orthopedic implants. We have also been approached by the NSA to secretly engrave all implants with unapproved tracking technology. We believe this opens up a whole new revenue stream for our shareholders."
Even Hallmark got in on the action. CMS awarded them a perpetual lease on rights to a hip new line of get well cards that allow seniors to display their new orthopedic implant tattoos to all their loved ones in a fresh new line of cards titled Funny Fractures LOL. Below is just one example of the future of personalized medicine. It's not about nanotechnology and manipulating genes. It's about orthopedic grade hippy tattoos that make people happy.
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